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Late-Night Political Jokes

"New Rule: If everybody was wrong about the weapons of mass destruction, then somebody has to say, 'My bad.' ... For some reason, the two words this president just can't seem to say are 'sorry' and 'nuclear.' Something is terribly wrong when the only person who has been fired over terrorism is me." —Bill Maher

"A very happy birthday to Ronald Reagan, one of America's most beloved presidents — 93-years-old today. George Bush today sent his warmest regards to Mr. Reagan and asked if he wanted to be on his committee looking in on intelligence failures." —Bill Maher

"Because of Janet Jackson's performance at the Super Bowl the Grammys will now be on a 5-minute delay so they can take out any mistakes. In fact they're saying Dick Cheney wants to use this technology on Bush's speeches." —Jay Leno

"Next week the Bush administration is going to start broadcasting an Arabic language satellite TV channel in the Middle East. President Bush said the channel will tell people the truth about what the United States is doing in the Middle East, which is pretty good considering that he didn't even tell us what we were doing in the Middle East." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry has been endorsed by Dick Gephardt. Kerry's response, "What did I do to you?" —Craig Kilborn

"In a recent interview First Lady Laura Bush said that the Janet Jackson breast incident bothered her very much. The first lady said I think it's unfortunate that children and the president had to see that." —Conan O'Brien

"The White House Tuesday defended President Bush against Democratic accusations that he was absent without leave from the Texas Air and National Guard in the 1970s. A spokesman labeled the claims 'shameful' and 'the worst of election year politics,' and 'completely true.'" —Tina Fey

"The Massachusetts court decision to allow gay marriages this week may prove to be a divisive issue in the upcoming presidential election. President Bush is likely torn because he has to protect what he sees as a sacred institution and yet he knows gay marriage would boost the economy because you know those gay guys would go all out. We're talking about designer wedding cakes, $20,000 sleeveless tuxedos, giant naked man ice sculptures that pee mojitos. They'd hire Pattie La Belle as the band, give out African parrots as party favors. It'd be ridiculous. Remember, whatever your political beliefs, a vote to allow gay marriage is a vote for a fabulous economy." —Tina Fey

"President Bush is now launching an investigation into pre-war intelligence over weapons of mass destruction. If we find out that we were wrong, do we have to put Saddam Hussein back in the hole?" —Jay Leno

"John Kerry won 5 of the 7 contests — a number of political analysts say the nomination is Kerry's to lose and today Dean said 'I'll show you how to do it.'"  —Jay Leno

"One critic in the L.A. Times said John Kerry looks like he is thinking too much. Well this is one place President Bush has him beat." —Jay Leno

"This week, both John Kerry and Wesley Clark are making campaign appearance with the guys who saved their lives in Vietnam. Meanwhile, President Bush is campaigning with a guy that once took a math test for him." —Conan O'Brien

"Do you know about this fight over Kerry's people and Bush's people over the military service? Kerry says Bush never showed up for his national guard duty — and now Bush is on the attack, accusing John Kerry of ducking national guard duty by hiding out in the jungles of Vietnam." —Jay Leno

"The cable news channel MSNBC has hired Howard Dean's former campaign manager Joe Trippi to be a political analyst. Is that really a good idea? Wait two weeks and you can hire Howard Dean."  —Jay Leno

"During his trip, Wolfowitz took a positive view of the peril he put the troops in, noting 'The more successful we are, the more we can expect them to go after those things that represent success.' Does this guy know how to motivate the troops or what? Apparently the best way to measure our accomplishments is to witness the destruction of our accomplishments." —Jon Stewart, on Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz's recent trip to Iraq

"Did you see Justin Timberlake is still going to the Grammys? So, this is how it works: If you show a breast you get kicked out of the Grammys. But if you reach for a breast, you get to perform at the Grammys and be the governor of California"

"They kicked Janet Jackson off the Grammys and Justin Timberlake stays on the Grammys. So, this is how it works: If you show a breast you get kicked out of the Grammys. But if you reach for a breast, you get to perform at the Grammys and be the governor of California." —Jay Leno

"Former Governor Gray Davis has made a guest appearance on the CBS sitcom 'Yes Dear,' which is got to be nerve wracking for him, knowing that at any moment he screws up he could be replaced by an actor — again." —Jay Leno

"Dennis Kucinich vowed to stay in the presidential race. "Stay in?” How about get in?" —Jay Leno
"The toxic chemical Ricin was discovered in the U.S. Capitol this week. Even more bad news — it's beating Dennis Kucinich in the polls." — Craig Kilborn

"Congratulations to Senator John Kerry — the big winner in yesterday’s primary. Won five out of seven. I just hope all these victories don't give Kerry a big head." —Jay Leno

"John Edwards won his home state of South Carolina. He said last night again there are really two Americas and he wants to create just one America. And the Republicans said that's fine with us as long as there is still a first class section." —Jay Leno

"Because of poor results at the primaries last night, Senator Joe Lieberman will be dropping out of the race. Earlier today, he broke the news to his supporter." —David Letterman

"This past weekend was tough on a lot of the candidates. John Edwards got caught trying to bring a pen knife through airport security. Wesley Clark's motorcade got stopped for speeding in Oklahoma. And Dennis Kucinich's campaign got cited for loitering." —Jay Leno

"Howard Dean got under 10 percent in South Carolina, Missouri and Oklahoma. So that Al Gore endorsement is really starting to kick in now." —Jay Leno

"Presidential candidate Howard Dean was at a fish market in Seattle catching fish and he did so well, next week he starts full time." —David Letterman

"If Howard Dean is still limping along, other campaigns have collapsed with the last sign of Joementum fading. Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman, who was banking everything on, and I kid you not, a strong showing in Delaware, took last night's 0-7 performance as a sign that the game was finally over." —Jon Stewart

"Yesterday after performing poorly in all of the primaries, Senator Joe Lieberman decided to drop out of the race. ... When asked about it, he said I knew I was in trouble when the Jewish guy in North Dakota didn't vote for me." —Conan O'Brien

"Joe Lieberman has dropped out of the race for president. You know if Joe had raised just $10 million more, he could have gotten his ass kicked for two more months." —Craig Kilborn

"President Bush has started to campaign on the accomplishments of his administration. Bin Laden’s been forced into hiding, Saddam Hussein is being interrogated, Janet Jackson is under investigation. "We'll get to the bottom of this!" —Jay Leno

"President Bush released his new $2.4 trillion federal budget. It has two parts: smoke and mirrors." —Jay Leno

"They say Bush's popularity is falling so fast, his new secret service codename is 'Howard Dean.'" —Jay Leno

"President Bush's approval rating is now down under 50 percent. So now what he's going to have to do is let Saddam go so we can capture him again." —David Letterman

"Here's something frightening — in Washington yesterday, three senate buildings were shut down after a white powdery substance tested positive for Ricin. At first they thought it just was John Kerry’s Botox delivery." —Jay Leno

"It seems the Ricin was found in the office of Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. Police believe now that the person who sent it is someone who has a grudge against Senate Republicans. So now they're looking for a gay middle class couple with no health care." —Jay Leno

"Because of this Ricin poison scare yesterday, the Senate postponed all voting. You see this has a ripple effect on the economy because when politicians can't vote, oil companies, drug companies, tobacco companies can't get the money. That means that bartenders and hookers all suffer." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry appears to be the front runner. Do you know the name of Kerry's bus? It's the Real Deal Express, that's the name of his campaign bus. Do you know the name of Dennis Kucinich's bus? Greyhound." —Jay Leno

"Wesley Clark is bringing an Army veteran on the campaign trail who saved his life in Vietnam. However, Clark's plan might backfire since the man is John Kerry." —Conan O'Brien

"Kucinich is not doing well. In fact, even in Florida today, people said they wouldn't vote for Kucinich even by mistake." —Jay Leno

"In South Carolina, Senator John Edwards won handily, fulfilling his promise to win every state he was born in." —Jon Stewart

"President Bush has appointed a commission to answer one big question about pre-war Iraq: How did our oil get under their sand?" —Craig Kilborn

"This Iraqi intelligence scandal is growing. Americans are asking, 'What did President Bush not know?' and 'When did he mispronounce it?'" —Craig Kilborn

"Bush admitted that his pre-war intelligence wasn't what it should have been. We knew that when we elected him!" —Jay Leno

"We have to tape this show around 6 o'clock, 6:30, so we're not positive of the exact results but I really can confidently predict the following: today, voters in seven states from North Dakota to New Mexico humored Joe Lieberman, ignored Dennis Kucinich, reminisced about Howard Dean, and admired Clark's hussle, but still found him too creepy." —Jon Stewart

"How many saw the big Super Bowl halftime show? You know, it's like turning into a thing now. ... President Bush has now formed a Department of Wardrobe Security." —David Letterman

"You know who was really mad about that whole incident? President Bush, he was very upset. In fact, today, he accused Janet Jackson of having weapons of mass arousal." —Jay Leno

"It was quite a Superbowl show, if you think about it. There was a streaker, Janet Jackson's breast was exposed and then Kid Rock wore an American flag as a poncho. You know, I'm surprised John Ashcroft's head didn't explode." —Jay Leno

"Janet Jackson is being very contrite and she's pretending to apologize to everyone who pretended to be offended. I think that works out. But now the official explanation is 'wardrobe malfunction.' She's blaming the whole thing on 'wardrobe malfunction.' Former President Clinton is thinking, why didn't I think of that?" —David Letterman

"I don't think President Bush is getting this situation. He said, 'If we don't set standards of decency, the nipples have won.'" —Craig Kilborn

"Yesterday on MSNBC, televangelist Pat Robertson said the reason Democrats are still competitive in national elections, is that, and this is his quote, "African Americans don't cotton to the idea of voting for Republicans”. Maybe that’s because Republicans like Pat Robertson keep using 'cotton' as a verb!" —Jay Leno

"The former California governor Gray Davis has got a new job. He's going to guest star on the CBS show 'Yes, Dear' next month. Let me tell you, you see, Gray Davis is very clever. You see, I know what Gray Davis is doing. He's going to become a famous actor, get back into politics, and beat Arnold at his own game." —Jay Leno

"Today is Groundhog's Day. President Bush looked over at his shadow and saw John Kerry." —Jay Leno

"On Groundhog Day, the old timers think they can predict whether it's going to be an early spring or six more weeks of winter by whether or not the groundhog sees his shadow, or, as President Bush calls it, 'reliable intelligence.'" —Jay Leno

"The chairman of the FCC announced he's launching an immediate and swift investigation into what they're calling 'Nipplegate.' ... We still have to wait until next year to find out why we went to war with Iraq, but we'll find out what happened with (Janet Jackson's) breast probably in 48 hours." —Jay Leno

"During testimony before the Senate Armed Services Committee former U.S. Chief Weapons Inspector David Kay defended President Bush for saying Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. Kay blamed the 'intelligence community.' And he doesn't want anybody confusing Bush with the intelligence community. I think we're okay there." —Jay Leno

"A spokesman for the military said today they expect to catch Osama bin Laden this year. I understand they're shooting for the first week November." —Jay Leno

"After the game, President George Bush calls the winning team, he calls the Patriots and listen to this, former President Clinton called Janet Jackson." —David Letterman

"Poor Al Sharpton, he only got 345 votes total in the New Hampshire primary. Here's a tip Al, when you're driving around the small white, conservative states, turn down the bass." —Bill Maher

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