"Congratulations to Senator John Kerry — the big winner in yesterday’s primary. Won five out of seven. I just hope all these victories don't give Kerry a big head." —Jay Leno

"John Edwards won his home state of South Carolina. He said last night again there are really two Americas and he wants to create just one America. And the Republicans said that's fine with us as long as there is still a first class section." —Jay Leno

"Because of poor results at the primaries last night, Senator Joe Lieberman will be dropping out of the race. Earlier today, he broke the news to his supporter." —David Letterman

"This past weekend was tough on a lot of the candidates. John Edwards got caught trying to bring a pen knife through airport security. Wesley Clark's motorcade got stopped for speeding in Oklahoma. And Dennis Kucinich's campaign got cited for loitering." —Jay Leno

"Howard Dean got under 10 percent in South Carolina, Missouri and Oklahoma. So that Al Gore endorsement is really starting to kick in now." —Jay Leno

"Presidential candidate Howard Dean was at a fish market in Seattle catching fish and he did so well, next week he starts full time." —David Letterman

"If Howard Dean is still limping along, other campaigns have collapsed with the last sign of Joementum fading. Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman, who was banking everything on, and I kid you not, a strong showing in Delaware, took last night's 0-7 performance as a sign that the game was finally over." —Jon Stewart

"Yesterday after performing poorly in all of the primaries, Senator Joe Lieberman decided to drop out of the race. ... When asked about it, he said I knew I was in trouble when the Jewish guy in North Dakota didn't vote for me." —Conan O'Brien

"Joe Lieberman has dropped out of the race for president. You know if Joe had raised just $10 million more, he could have gotten his ass kicked for two more months." —Craig Kilborn

"President Bush has started to campaign on the accomplishments of his administration. Bin Laden’s been forced into hiding, Saddam Hussein is being interrogated, Janet Jackson is under investigation. "We'll get to the bottom of this!" —Jay Leno

"President Bush released his new $2.4 trillion federal budget. It has two parts: smoke and mirrors." —Jay Leno

"President Bush's approval rating is now down under 50 percent. So now what he's going to have to do is let Saddam go so we can capture him again." —David Letterman

"Here's something frightening — in Washington yesterday, three senate buildings were shut down after a white powdery substance tested positive for Ricin. At first they thought it just was John Kerry’s Botox delivery." —Jay Leno

"It seems the Ricin was found in the office of Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. Police believe now that the person who sent it is someone who has a grudge against Senate Republicans. So now they're looking for a gay middle class couple with no health care." —Jay Leno

"Because of this Ricin poison scare yesterday, the Senate postponed all voting. You see this has a ripple effect on the economy because when politicians can't vote, oil companies, drug companies, tobacco companies can't get the money. That means that bartenders and hookers all suffer." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry appears to be the front runner. Do you know the name of Kerry's bus? It's the Real Deal Express, that's the name of his campaign bus. Do you know the name of Dennis Kucinich's bus? Greyhound." —Jay Leno

"Wesley Clark is bringing an Army veteran on the campaign trail who saved his life in Vietnam. However, Clark's plan might backfire since the man is John Kerry." —Conan O'Brien

"Kucinich is not doing well. In fact, even in Florida today, people said they wouldn't vote for Kucinich even by mistake." —Jay Leno

"In South Carolina, Senator John Edwards won handily, fulfilling his promise to win every state he was born in." —Jon Stewart

"President Bush has appointed a commission to answer one big question about pre-war Iraq: How did our oil get under their sand?" —Craig Kilborn

"This Iraqi intelligence scandal is growing. Americans are asking, 'What did President Bush not know?' and 'When did he mispronounce it?'" —Craig Kilborn

"Bush admitted that his pre-war intelligence wasn't what it should have been. We knew that when we elected him!" —Jay Leno

"We have to tape this show around 6 o'clock, 6:30, so we're not positive of the exact results but I really can confidently predict the following: today, voters in seven states from North Dakota to New Mexico humored Joe Lieberman, ignored Dennis Kucinich, reminisced about Howard Dean, and admired Clark's hussle, but still found him too creepy." —Jon Stewart

"How many saw the big Super Bowl halftime show? You know, it's like turning into a thing now. ... President Bush has now formed a Department of Wardrobe Security." —David Letterman

"You know who was really mad about that whole incident? President Bush, he was very upset. In fact, today, he accused Janet Jackson of having weapons of mass arousal." —Jay Leno

"It was quite a Superbowl show, if you think about it. There was a streaker, Janet Jackson's breast was exposed and then Kid Rock wore an American flag as a poncho. You know, I'm surprised John Ashcroft's head didn't explode." —Jay Leno

"Janet Jackson is being very contrite and she's pretending to apologize to everyone who pretended to be offended. I think that works out. But now the official explanation is 'wardrobe malfunction.' She's blaming the whole thing on 'wardrobe malfunction.' Former President Clinton is thinking, why didn't I think of that?" —David Letterman

"I don't think President Bush is getting this situation. He said, 'If we don't set standards of decency, the nipples have won.'" —Craig Kilborn

"Yesterday on MSNBC, televangelist Pat Robertson said the reason Democrats are still competitive in national elections, is that, and this is his quote, "African Americans don't cotton to the idea of voting for Republicans”. Maybe that’s because Republicans like Pat Robertson keep using 'cotton' as a verb!" —Jay Leno

"The former California governor Gray Davis has got a new job. He's going to guest star on the CBS show 'Yes, Dear' next month. Let me tell you, you see, Gray Davis is very clever. You see, I know what Gray Davis is doing. He's going to become a famous actor, get back into politics, and beat Arnold at his own game." —Jay Leno

"Today is Groundhog's Day. President Bush looked over at his shadow and saw John Kerry." —Jay Leno

"On Groundhog Day, the old timers think they can predict whether it's going to be an early spring or six more weeks of winter by whether or not the groundhog sees his shadow, or, as President Bush calls it, 'reliable intelligence.'" —Jay Leno

"The chairman of the FCC announced he's launching an immediate and swift investigation into what they're calling 'Nipplegate.' ... We still have to wait until next year to find out why we went to war with Iraq, but we'll find out what happened with (Janet Jackson's) breast probably in 48 hours." —Jay Leno

"During testimony before the Senate Armed Services Committee former U.S. Chief Weapons Inspector David Kay defended President Bush for saying Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. Kay blamed the 'intelligence community.' And he doesn't want anybody confusing Bush with the intelligence community. I think we're okay there." —Jay Leno

"A spokesman for the military said today they expect to catch Osama bin Laden this year. I understand they're shooting for the first week November." —Jay Leno

"After the game, President George Bush calls the winning team, he calls the Patriots and listen to this, former President Clinton called Janet Jackson." —David Letterman

"Poor Al Sharpton, he only got 345 votes total in the New Hampshire primary. Here's a tip Al, when you're driving around the small white, conservative states, turn down the bass." —Bill Maher