 JAY
LENO JOKES
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"Do you like
the March Madness? Here's how it works: First you start out with 65,
and then one by one, people are sent home until there's only one
left, no, I'm sorry, that's our coalition in Iraq." —Jay Leno
"The voters in
Spain there have elected a socialist government. The new prime
minister, Jose Zapatero immediately lashed out at President Bush,
calling the war in Iraq a disaster, calling for all Spanish troops
to come home from Iraq immediately. This obviously upset President
Bush. Today, he took decisive action. He said, 'From now on, in the
United States, Spanish rice will now be known as Freedom rice.'" —
Jay Leno
"President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last
week. Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since Bush took
office. You know, if Bush wants to tout his record, he should do it
somewhere
where the Bush economy has actually created jobs, like India, or
Thailand, or China." —Jay Leno
"A man in France
was arrested today for using his car to run down a pedestrian he
thought was Osama bin Laden. Even though it was a mistake, it still
ranks as France's biggest military victory ever." —Jay Leno
"A California state
senator has proposed lowering the voting age to 14. Three words for
people who think this is a good idea: Governor Jessica Simpson."
—Jay Leno
"California lawmakers are now proposing an amendment that would
allow 14 year olds a quarter vote and 16 year a half a vote in all
state elections. How stupid is this? Don’t we have enough trouble
counting whole votes? How are we gonna figure out fractions." —Jay
Leno
"Have you seen any of President Bush's ads? They are really starting
to get vicious. We've finally found an American job Bush is willing
to fight for: his own." —Jay Leno
"Attorney General
John Ashcroft had surgery this week. His condition is listed as
orange. ... He had his gall bladder removed, which is good, I think
we could all use John Ashcroft with a lot less gall. ... Actually,
that's the second thing John Ashcroft has had removed, if you count,
of course, the Constitution." —Jay Leno
"Martha Stewart published her recipe for disaster — mix one part
arrogance with two parts incompetence, simmer in the juices and then
serve hot in the can." —Jay Leno
"A California state
senator has proposed an amendment to the California state
constitution that would lower the voting age to 14. This is
ridiculous, do you know what would happen if we allowed 14 year olds
to vote? We'd end up with someone like an action hero as governor."
—Jay Leno
"A study claims
that by next year obesity will be the number one killer in America.
Can you believe that?
We're turning into a nation of Clinton girlfriends." —Jay Leno
"Secretary of Commerce Don Evans said that we are trying to get
other countries to adopt our economic policy. That's a great idea,
maybe we can convince them to ship some of their jobs over here,
too." —Jay Leno
"After all the
voting on Tuesday, President Bush called John Kerry to congratulate
him. I'm not sure what they talked about, but I think we can rule
out swapping war stories." —Jay Leno
"After failing to win a single state on Tuesday, John Edwards
described his campaign as 'The Little Engine That Could.' And
afterwards, Bush called him, and said, 'You're not going to believe
this but I'm reading that book right now.'" —Jay Leno
"I was watching the John Kerry supporters' victory party on Tuesday
and I was watching John Kerry and Ted Kennedy speak on this giant
screen; then I realized it wasn't a giant screen, it was John
Kerry's head and Ted Kennedy's head." —Jay Leno
"John Edwards based his campaign on the fact that there are two
Americas, one for the wealthy and one for everyone else. And after
his speech, he thanked everyone else and went back to the America
for the wealthy." —Jay Leno
"Do you realize that the Bush administration has now produced more
gay marriages than jobs?" —Jay Leno
"Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162.
That's the total number of delegates he needs to win the Democratic
nomination. See for President Bush it's different — his magic number
is 5. That’s the number of Supreme Court judges needed to win." —Jay
Leno
"Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. They say
that because John Edwards still has $50 million in campaign money,
Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50 million, Kerry will
marry him." —Jay Leno
"In a recent interview, Kerry said Clinton was known as the first
black president and he'd like to earn the right to be second. Is
John Kerry the closest we can get to a black president? How does it
make Al Sharpton feel? He's going, hey guys, hello, I'm an actual
black person." —Jay Leno
"John Kerry won Super Tuesday, making this, of course, anti-climatic
Wednesday." —Jay Leno
"There are rumors that Cheney will be replaced, but President Bush
is very loyal. ... He's standing by him, but I don't know how
sincere that is. I understand every day, Bush buys Cheney a large
cheese and pepperoni pizza." —Jay Leno
"I was watching TV last night. I saw an
interesting documentary on the Ninja, the
Japanese soldier. According to legend the Ninjas
were warriors who could make themselves
invisible whenever there was a war. Kind of like
Bush and the National Guard." —Jay Leno
"The White House has now released military
documents that they say prove George Bush met
his requirements for the National Guard. Big
deal, we've got documents that prove Al Gore won
the election." —Jay Leno
"There's this huge controversy over the fact
that President Bush apparently received credit
for National Guard service in Alabama in '72 and
'73 even though his commanding officers are
saying he never reported. I think what's even
more disturbing is that he received enough
credits to graduate from Yale." —Jay Leno
"The White House announced today that during
the Vietnam War, President Bush was listed as
MIA — Missing In Alabama." —Jay Leno
"Bush did have an explanation, he said he did
go to Alabama but when he didn't find weapons of
mass destruction, he went back to Texas." —Jay
Leno
"The Democrats are all over this. Democratic
strategists feel John Kerry's war record means
he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to
it voters will always vote for a war hero over
someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll be
sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see
him." —Jay Leno
"John Kerry said today that he wants to get
rid of tax cuts for the rich and his wife said,
'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you?! Are
you nuts?!'" —Jay Leno
"Presidential candidate John Edwards keeps
saying that there are two Americas.
Unfortunately, they're both voting for John
Kerry." —Jay Leno
"President Bush stopped off at a bass pro
fishing store to pick up a fishing reel, some
line and some rubber worms. He's going to
disappear and go fishing. So he must think he's
back in the National Guard." —Jay Leno
"Critics are now saying that his dad got him
out of going to Vietnam. However, his dad did
get him to go to Iraq." —Jay Leno
"I'm not sure if President Bush really
understand how important the issue is. Like
today, a reporter asked if he was a deserter.
Bush answered, 'No, I skip the pie, the ice
cream ... not a big deserter.'" —Jay Leno
"Who cares if Bush did his job in the
national guard 30 years ago. Personally, I'm
more afraid of the job he's doing now." —Jay
Leno
"General Wesley Clark pulled out of the
Democratic presidential race. He said he's going
to go back to his old job, being a Republican."
—Jay Leno
"Even though Al Gore endorsed him, Howard
Dean only got four percent of the vote in Al
Gore's home state of Tennessee. That means he
didn't even get all the votes in the Gore
family." —Jay Leno
"The big story now is that President Bush is
coming under attack for his service in the
National Guard. The White House said, 'no no,'
that they have payroll records to show that he
served in the National Guard. But today, the
commanding officers can't remember seeing Bush
between May and October of '72. President Bush
said, 'Remember me? I'm the drunk guy. Remember
me?'" —Jay Leno
"In a speech over the weekend, Al Gore
brutally attacked President Bush and his
policies. You see, if Al Gore really wants
President Bush to lose in 2004, instead of
attacking Bush, he should endorse him. Look what
it did for the Dean campaign." —Jay Leno
"The latest issue of Time magazine
asked if President Bush has a credibility
problem and the cover of the latest Newsweek
magazine asked who really killed Jesus. And in
both cases, it proved the same thing -- it's
hard to get good intelligence in the Middle
East." —Jay Leno
"President Bush was on 'Meet the Press'
Sunday. A lot of his White House staffers
thought it was a bad idea. Hey, better than him
going on 'Jeopardy.'" —Jay Leno
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