"Newly released transcripts reveal that President Nixon was drunk during the Arab-Israeli crisis of 1973. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Hey, so was I!'" —Conan O'Brien

"Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul." —David Letterman

"Homeland Security has warned of possible summer attacks by Al Qaeda. And it must be pretty serious because President Bush has already ignored three memos about this." —David Letterman

"President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here." —David Letterman

"President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration." —David Letterman

"Doctor's concluded that the president's fall hadn't done any damage when he appeared confused and disoriented." —Craig Kilborn

"To add insult to injury only 41 percent approved of the way Bush got back on the bike." —Craig Kilborn

"Actually, Bush's bike accident was different from John Kerry's accident: Bush fell when he tried turning too hard to the right; Kerry fell when he kept switching gears." —Jay Leno

"First Kerry, now Bush. You know if Ralph Nader can just stay away from sporting equipment for like five months, he could win this election by default." —Jay Leno

"The president's speech tonight he laid out his new plan to hand over power in Iraq. You know at this point George Bush saying he has a new plan for Iraq is like William Hung saying he has a new song." —Jay Leno

"Strip clubs in Wisconsin are organizing voter registration drives to get voters for John Kerry cause they're afraid of President Bush's conservative agenda. Well, you can see why the strippers would really be for John Kerry. I mean they have almost as many positions as he does." —Jay Leno

"President Bush addressed the nation tonight and as always he was hilarious. ... Does it scare anyone else that the president has strokes in between syllables?" —Jimmy Kimmel

"According to USA Today, the Kerry campaign now has $28 million dollars in the bank. After hearing this, Mrs. Kerry said, 'That is so cute.'" —Conan O'Brien

"President Bush still says Iraq has weapons of mass destruction we never found. It sounds like he is back on those drugs he never did." —Craig Kilborn

"The prison scandal is really hurting President Bush's poll numbers. In fact, I hear he's already working on his concession smirk." —Craig Kilborn

"President Bush delivered a commencement speech at a university in Wisconsin. A very inspirational speech. Apparently Bush told the students, 'You can do anything in life if your parents work hard enough.'" —Conan O'Brien

"President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney are scheduled to testify before the 9/11 commission. I guess right now they're finalizing the seating arrangements. Should Bush sit on Cheney's right knee or his left knee?" —Jay Leno

"President Bush's campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services records thrown out." —Jay Leno

"Two big announcements coming out of Washington, D.C. The tour of duty for 20,000 troops in Iraq may be extended. That's too bad. And the other announcement, the tour of duty for President Bush may not be extended." —David Letterman

"According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, 'Mission Accomplished.'" —David Letterman

"We ought to thank President Bush. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year." —Jay Leno

"President Bush earned $400,000 for his job as president last year. That's not really that much for being president when you think about it. But President Bush, he doesn't do it for the money, he does it for the eight months of vacation every year." —Jay Leno

"The other night, President Bush's press conference was pre-empted by 'American Idol.' You know the difference between President Bush and 'American Idol?' See, on 'American Idol,' the one with the most votes wins." —Jay Leno

"President Bush's victories in the southern primaries have given him enough delegates to seal the Republican nomination for a second term. Bush had no real opposition, but Republicans did get to choose between cowboy Bush, action Bush, Martha Stewart Bush, and Bush regular." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"The Bush camp wasted little time condemning Kerry's remarks as uncivil. Campaign chairman Marc Racicot called Kerry's off-the-cuff comment, 'unbecoming of a candidate for the presidency.' Bush never had a similar microphone mishap, has he? [Shows tape of Bush saying: 'There's Adam Clymer, major league asshole from the New York Times.' Cheney: 'Oh, yeah, he is, big time.'] I gotta tell you, I know there was that one, I was actually thinking more of this one. [Shows tape from Bush's 2003 State of the Union address: 'The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa.'] Oh my God, was my mike on? D'oh!" —Jon Stewart

"Bush went on to attack the Democrats' policies. (Bush says) 'Their agenda is to increase federal taxes, to build a wall around this country and to isolate America from the rest of the world.' Hmm. So you're concerned the Democrats might do something that would damage America's standing in the world. Interesting...that you would think that's still possible." —Jon Stewart

"President George Bush says today he knows exactly where he wants to take this country. Is that good? Last time he took us somewhere it was Iraq." —Jay Leno

"President Bush said he doesn't care if Osama bin Laden is found in Pakistan or Afghanistan, just so he's found before November." —Jay Leno

"In his latest campaign commercial, President Bush talks about 'times of change.' If he thinks these times are changing, wait till November." —Jay Leno

"Over 20 members of Iraq's governing council made history by signing a temporary constitution. President Bush said he is thrilled because although the constitution isn't perfect, it bans gay marriage." —Conan
O'Brien

"It is starting to look more and more like the terrorist attack in Spain was the work of al Qaeda and today President Bush called the Prime Minister of Spain to offer his condolences and said 'If it makes you feel any better we will be happy to attack a country that had nothing to do with it.'" —Bill Maher

"President Bush's campaign is spending $100 million in negative TV ads against John Kerry. Isn't that a bit much? I mean, he only offered like $25 million to get Saddam Hussein." —Jay Leno

"The presidential campaign is really heating up. George Bush, his campaign is really doing much, much better, and he's shot right up in the polls since he captured Martha Stewart." —David Letterman

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