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"President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here." óDavid Letterman

"President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration." óDavid Letterman

"President Bush announced his plan for Iraq. He called for the rebuilding of a wrecked economy, getting international cooperation and bringing in new leadership. You know, the same thing Kerry is calling for here." óJay Leno

"So far opinion is split on the president's plan. Republicans say the outlook is Sunni, or as Democrats say, we're in deep Shiite." óJay Leno

"President Bush said last night that they'll be a new president in Iraq. In fact to give him a chance they're going to give him a 30-second head start." óJay Leno

"Some possible high profile targets are the Republican National Convention and the Democratic National Convention. So in response, President Bush increased security at the following locations: the Republican National Convention." óCraig Kilborn

"Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul." óDavid Letterman

"Homeland Security has warned of possible summer attacks by Al Qaeda. And it must be pretty serious because President Bush has already ignored three memos about this." óDavid Letterman

"'American Idol' got a record 65 million votes. In fact today, Bush and Kerry started taking singing lessons." óJay Leno

"Newly released transcripts reveal that President Nixon was drunk during the Arab-Israeli crisis of 1973. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Hey, so was I!'" óConan O'Brien

"A fiery Al Gore called for the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleeza Rice, and CIA Director George Tenet. Bush was furious. He said to Gore, 'Hey, who elected you president?!'" óJay Leno

"I saw the president on TV. I think he's only had three press conferences during prime time. I though he looked calm. I thought he looked confident. I thought he looked focused. That's right, he was drinking again." óDavid Letterman

"It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam." óDavid Letterman

"In his press conference last night, President Bush said he could not remember a single mistake he had made in the last two years. The president's exact quote was: 'I ain't make none mistakes ever.'" óConan O'Brien

"Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don't want too many amateurs on in one night." óDavid Letterman

"CIA Director George Tenet has now testified before the 9/11 commission and he said we are still making the same dumb mistakes, like leaving memos on the President's desk." óDavid Letterman

"President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off." óJay Leno

"Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq." óConan O'Brien

"President Bush insisted that there was nothing in the August 6th, 2001 briefing, which was titled 'Bin Laden determined to attack the United States', that hinted what bin Laden was up to. Bush says that he would have moved mountains to stop the attack. Yeah, but he draws the line at reading a memo." óDavid Letterman

"In response to a request by the 9/11 commission the White House agreed to declassify the president's daily intelligence briefing from August 6th titled 'Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.' The commission also wants to see the August 20th briefing, 'No Seriously Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States' and also from August 26th, 'Mr. President, Please Put Down the Game Boy, Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.'" óTina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"In response to the escalating violence in Iraq, President Bush is delaying the return home of 25,000 troops and will actually add reinforcements to the south. Then in a symbolic gesture he pulled down the mission accomplished banner, put on a flight suit, walked backwards to a jet fighter and flew it in reverse off an aircraft carrier." óTina Fey

"Senator Ted Kennedy said that Iraq was President Bush's 'Vietnam.' When he heard about it, President Bush said, 'That's not true; I went to Iraq."' óConan O'Brien

"President Bush says now he is sticking to his plan for handing over power to the Iraqis on June 30. It's also part of his plan to hand over power to John Kerry on January 20." óDavid Letterman

"President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice's testimony before Congress. Well, it makes perfect sense ó he wants to know what was going on, too." óDavid Letterman

"President Bush got a little upset with a reporter for calling him 'sir' instead of 'Mr. President.' Man, how upset is he going to be after the election when they start calling him George again?" óJay Leno

"President Bush says in the last month he has created 300,000 new jobs. Yeah, they're called Kerry campaign workers." óCraig Kilborn

"There are 300,000 new jobs and Bush said he's confused, 'Can I take credit for good news that I didn't even make up?'" óCraig Kilborn

"Not only will Condoleezza Rice testify, but President Bush has also agreed to meet with the (9/11) commission. He's going to testify, but he said he wants have Dick Cheney there with him. Why does he want Cheney with him? What? Does he have a learner's permit to be president and have to have an adult with him." óJay Leno

"They said that President Bush's war in Iraq has cost the former Spanish Prime Minister his job. So President Bush isn't losing American jobs anymore, he's branching out to other countries." óJay Leno

"John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can't name the foreign leaders. That's all right, President Bush can't name them either." óDavid Letterman

"President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last week. Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since Bush took office. You know, if Bush wants to tout his record, he should do it somewhere where the Bush economy has actually created jobs, like India, or Thailand, or China." óJay Leno

"John Kerry said today he wants to debate President Bush once a month. Hey good luck, if Bush couldn't make it to the National Guard once a month, he's not going to show up for this." óJay Leno

President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishes in office. That's why it's a 60-second spot." óJay Leno

"President George Bush says he has just one question for the American voters, 'Is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were four years ago?'" óJay Leno

"President George Bush was in Los Angeles yesterday where he announced his new campaign theme ó 'Safer, Stronger, and Tested.' Isn't that a condom ad?" óJay Leno

"Martha Stewart was convicted of four counts of lying and obstruction of justice and could serve up to 20 years in Congress." óCraig Kilborn

"Martha Stewart was found guilty on all charges. You know what that means, stripes are in this year." óJay Leno

"How amazing is that? A jury convicting a rich white woman on felony charges. Michael Jackson must be scared to death." óJay Leno

"Earlier today, the jury at the Martha Stewart trial reached a verdict. Martha was found guilty on all charges. In a related story, there's a huge sale at K-Mart." óConan O'Brien

"This is serious, if Martha gets the maximum sentence on all counts, she could serve 20 years in prison. Of course, you have to take off time off for good behavior, which means 20 years in prison." óConan O'Brien

"The White House begun airing their TV commercials to re-elect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said, it is unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in order to get elected, unless of course, it's the Vietnam War." óJay Leno

"John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He's like a mole for the working man." óJay Leno

"I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal." óDavid Letterman

"Political experts say this whole election will come down to a handful of swing voters. You know what a swing voter is? See, that's someone who was against the war but has a job at Halliburton." óJay Leno

"This is the week the general election started. Not surprising to me that John Kerry is the candidate. It's like any other reality show. The more interesting people get booted off first." óBill Maher

"I heard this today and I thought this was fascinating and interesting. President Bush has two daughters, two beautiful daughters, and they may work on their father's presidential campaign after they get out of college and I thought, well, that's a pretty good move because in this economy, they won't be able to find real jobs." óDavid Letterman

"Have you seen President Bush has already started running his campaign ads, the theme of which, apparently is, 'This Shit Ain't My Fault.' No, I'm serious, his ads talk about the attacks of 9/11, the recession, the dot-com bubble bursting, and then they end with his slogan, 'Vote For Me, Mr. Lucky.'" óBill Maher

"Have you seen these ads? They look a lot like Reagan's 'Morning in America' ads with the slow motion images of regular Americans, the new age piano music. It looks a lot like a Claritin ad. And at the end, you hear a voice-over say, 'Ask your doctor if George Bush is right for you. ...But it all kind of back-fired. I mean, they were all meant to be gauzy, feel-good image ads, but a lot of people ... are pissed off because they used images from 9/11 and the World Trade Center. The president of the firefighters' union said it was disgraceful, there was a 9/11 widow who said, 'It made me sick,' and there was Mel Gibson who said, 'Not enough blood.'" óBill Maher

"The White House predicted 150,000 new jobs for the month that just passed. The statistics came back: 21,000. But, you know, the White House, always up for solutions through labeling. From now on, Americans who've lost their jobs will no longer be known as 'unemployed,' they are enjoying 'Operation Week-Day Freedom.'" óBill Maher

"Attorney General John Ashcroft is in intensive care. He's suffering from a severe case of pancreatitis, which they can't really figure out because he's not really a drinker. They think he might have picked up some type of infection while wiping his ass with the Bill of Rights." óBill Maher

"Attorney General John Ashcroft has been hospitalized. I believe he is suffering from homophobia. No, actually, it was just gallstones, but when they gave him the hospital gown that opens in the back, he refused to wear it, he thought it was a gay wedding dress." óJay Leno

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.

Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"

George W. Bush and his driver were going to Air Force One and were passing a farm. A pig jumped out in the road suddenly. The driver tried to get out of the way, but he hit him. He went in the farm to explain what had happened. He came out with a beer, a cigar, and a tons of money. Bush saw this and said, "My God, what did you tell them?" The driver replied, "I told them that I'm George W. Bush's driver and I just killed the pig."

Clinton, Dole, and Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One. Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says "I'm going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy."

Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, "If that was my $100 bill, I would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy."

Of course Clinton doesn't want these two candidates to outdo him, so he pipes in, "I would instead take 100 $1 bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier."

At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."

One day Bill Clinton and Al Gore are pissing in the same bathroom. Bill notices that Al has a huge dick. "Shit", he says; "how did you ever make your dick that big?"

"Well", Al tells him, "Every night before I go to bed, I beat it on the bedpost fifty times. This also works wonders before sex..."

So, that night, Clinton sneaks in late, and starts beating the bedpost with his dick. Hillary rolls over and says "Is that you, Al?"

The other day the White House Chief of Staff asked President Clinton: "What should we do about the abortion bill, Mr. President?" to which Clinton replies "Just pay it."

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