"John Kerry announced his plan for how to handle those poor naked prisoners. His wife is going to buy them all a $1,000 Armani suit." —Craig Kilborn

"Kerry was here in Los Angeles. He was courting the Spanish vote by speaking Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages." —Jay Leno

"President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating." —Jay Leno

"Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold Card." —Craig Kilborn

"We make jokes about it but the truth is this presidential election really offers us a choice of two well-informed opposing positions on every issue. OK, they both belong to John Kerry, but they're still there." —Jay Leno

"The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why — with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry fell off of his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday afternoon ride, fell off in front of the news media. Luckily, his hair broke the fall so it's not as serious. ... Thankfully, Senator Kerry was not seriously injured. In fact, when the police arrived, Kerry was well enough to give conflicting reports to the officers about what happened." —Jay Leno

"Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible?" —Jon Stewart

"John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week and they said that if he is elected president, she will be the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn't bother John Kerry, he said, 'To me, she looks like a million bucks'" —Jay Leno

"John Kerry reportedly flew in his private hairdresser before his "Meet the Press" interview for a total cost of $1,000. That's $1,000 for a haircut, which sounds like a lot, but have you seen the size of Kerry's head." —Jay Leno

"Well the good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the majority still thinks he's the dad from 'The Munsters."' —Jay Leno

"John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican." —David Letterman

"John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them." —Jay Leno

"They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: 'I do.'" —Jay Leno

"Senator Kerry recovering very nicely after having shoulder surgery. The doctors said the senator was fully awake, lucid and joking after the surgery was done, but cautioned that that was just the drug. He went back to his boring self soon afterward." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq." —Craig Kilborn

"Not only will Condoleezza Rice testify, but President Bush has also agreed to meet with the (9/11) commission. He's going to testify, but he said he wants have Dick Cheney there with him. Why does he want Cheney with him? What? Does he have a learner's permit to be president and have to have an adult with him." —Jay Leno

"They are grilling Rice and boy is she steamed. ... This White House is nothing if not clever. They said they will allow Condoleezza Rice to testify, and they want her to do it on TV, but it has to be on UPN, the night NBC has the final episode of 'Friends." —Jay Leno

"I hate watching this name calling. At this hearing, they keep asking who's fault was 9/11. The Clinton administration blames it on the Bush administration. The Bush administration blames it on the Clinton administration. Hey, how about blaming it on the bin Laden administration?" —Jay Leno

"John Kerry had shoulder surgery this week. He had no anesthesia for the shoulder surgery. He just listened to one of his speeches." —David Letterman

"John Kerry appeared on MTV and he tried to appeal to MTV viewers by saying he's fascinated by rap and hip-hop. And then he added someday I hope to meet them both." —David Letterman

"Some of Hollywood's left-leaning stars turned up at a fundraiser for John Kerry at Beverly Hills. Kerry created instant rapport by beginning with 'My fellow bo-toxers.'" —Craig Kilborn

"Senator John Kerry had surgery on his shoulder. In fact, when he showed up, out of force of habit, the doctor gave him another botox shot. Actually, there was one slightly scary moment during the surgery. Apparently, the hospital transfusion room at one point ran out of blue blood. ... The doctors told him don't lift anything heavy, like your head" —Jay Leno

"Michael Jackson was in Washington, DC and met with a number of Congressmen. He's pretty smart. He knows he's going to have to lie under oath pretty soon, so why not get some expert advice?" —Jay Leno

"Former Vice President Al Gore has purchased his own cable television channel. It's going to be the Al Gore TV network. He said it's going to be a lot like C-SPAN, but less exciting." —David Letterman

"Even Jessica Simpson is voting for John Kerry. You know Bush is in trouble when his own people are turning on him." —Craig Kilborn

"The price of gas in California is going crazy. In fact, today I did something smart. I bought a gallon as an investment." —Jay Leno

"It's really getting ugly between the White House and this former counter-terrorism official Richard Clarke. ... Clarke accused President Bush of subterfuge, an accusation President Bush both denied and had to look up." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry said today that he would bring down the price of gasoline if he is elected president. He said he would arm-twist members of OPEC to lower prices. Do you think this is really going to work with OPEC, arm twisting? Hey, Bush invaded them and they haven't lowered prices. We blew up the country and they haven't lowered prices." —Jay Leno

"They say that Saddam is stonewalling, he's refusing to talk, he's not giving out any information. No, wait a minute, that's Condoleezza Rice." —David Letterman

"President Bush has agreed to testify before Congress on one condition -- if he has to make up a lie, he has a life line to Bill Clinton." —Craig Kilborn

"John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. ... He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq." —Craig Kilborn

"Yesterday in California, John Kerry made a speech announcing a plan to control gas prices. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'That's crazy, only Dick Cheney can control gas prices.'" —Conan O'Brien

"This week, our friend Al Franken is launching a new all liberal radio network called Air America. They say the purpose of Air America will be to balance out all the conservatives in the media, except, of course for NPR, CNN, CBS, ABC, NBC, and the New York Times." —Jay Leno

"Everyone is waiting to see if this left-wing radio thing will be successful. See, I think it's a good idea. I think we should consider different points of view. Like me, I like to hear both sides of an issue. That's why I listen to John Kerry. I know sooner or later, I'll get both sides of an issue. In fact, today, John Kerry finally cleared up his position on military action in Iraq. He said he voted yes on shock, no on awe." —Jay Leno

"It's interesting. I see all these political ads and all these commentators say it's our job as Americans to vote. Let me tell you something, with Bush in charge of the economy, this might be the only job you have all year." —Jay Leno

"As President Bush turned up the heat on the campaign trail, John Kerry fought back the only way he knows how: carving up the slopes on his snowboard. Oh c'mon, W. plowed through twice that much powder back in the day." —Craig Kilborn

"There was an article in the paper today that said America is really a place where losers can actually come out ahead. This is true, like Clay Aiken, who lost on 'American Idol,' he's a big star now. ... Trista lost on 'The Bachelor,' she's got her own dating show now. ... George Bush lost the election and became president of the United States." —Jay Leno

"It looks like Saddam Hussein may have found himself a lawyer, and surprise surprise — he's French. Who would have guessed that? What are the odds? Apparently Hussein wanted to find someone to represent him who hates America even more than he does." —Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein has an attorney now. And this attorney, I've never heard of him but apparently he's a smart guy, apparently he's already had the trial moved to Los Angeles. ... The slogan for the trial is 'No weapons in Tikrit, you must acquit.'" —David Letterman

"Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold Card." —Craig Kilborn

"Apparently, John Kerry is an expert snowboarder. He's mastered the alley-oop, the side-rotation and the corkscrew. Oh, no wait, that was Clinton." —David Letterman

"The White House announced that it's sending a company of troops to Kosovo. So far we have sent American troops to Afghanistan, Haiti, Iraq and now Kosovo. President Bush says the goal is to send as many soldiers overseas as we have jobs." —Jay Leno

"We make jokes about it but the truth is this presidential election really offers us a choice of two well-informed opposing positions on every issue. OK, they both belong to John Kerry, but they're still there." —Jay Leno

"As the presumptive Democratic nominee, Kerry is protected by the secret service. I don't want to say Kerry is boring, but his secret service code name is Al Gore." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry is quite an athlete. He's in Idaho and they showed him snowboarding. Did you see it on the news? Man he is a good snowboarder. He was going downhill faster than Howard Dean." —Jay Leno

"There was an accident on the slopes. Kerry was snowboarding and a skier collided with him and knocked him on the ground. Kerry got up and called the guy a 'son of a bitch.' In fact the FCC fined him half a million dollars and told him the next time he goes snow boarding it has to be with a five-second delay." —Jay Leno

"I was watching one of those cable shows and they had one of Kerry's adviser's on and he said there are really two John Kerry's. The indoor John who agonizes over decisions and the outdoor John who makes bold, decisive action. Outdoor John, isn't that a Porta-Potty?" —Jay Leno

"Some people are criticizing Kerry for going on vacation this week right when he needs to distinguish himself from President Bush. In the newspaper, they printed the titles of the four books he's going to be reading in the five days of his vacation. Hey, just reading four books in five days distinguishes him from Bush right there." —Jay Leno

"It's the one year anniversary of the Iraq war. President Bush and Dick Cheney shared a quiet dinner to celebrate and then they paged through their scrapbook of made-up intelligence." —Bill Maher

"To celebrate the one-year anniversary of the war in Iraq, Colin Powell paid a visit to our troops over there. But I think he's getting a little bit cocky — he used one of Saddam's old palaces to tape an episode of 'Cribs.'" —Bill Maher

"The President is having a little trouble keeping the coalition together. The President of Poland, one of our key allies, said that 'We were taken for a ride on the weapons of mass destruction.' Wow. Now I know that Bush and Powell and Cheney are all out there still trying to make the case for war, but you know what, when the Polish figure out the gag..." —Bill Maher

"Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has refused to recuse himself to the case involving Dick Cheney simply because he went duck hunting with Dick Cheney. He said, 'If it is reasonable to think a Supreme Court Justice can be bought so cheap than this nation is in deeper trouble than I thought, and besides, I already cashed the check.'" —Bill Maher

"John Kerry, Democrat candidate, he is taking some time off in his home in Idaho from the campaign. The newspapers said he was 'snow boarding down Mt. Baldy.' Well you think the secret service can come up with a better code name for oral sex, couldn't ya." —Bill Maher

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