"There was one kind of embarrassing moment when President Bush was asked if he ever went AWOL and he said, 'No no no, we have EarthLink.'" —Jay Leno

"If there was one lesson to be drawn from Bush's appearance, it's that he doesn't have to be forthcoming or honest. And he's the first to tell you why. (Bush:) 'I'm a war president.' He added: 'I guess I should have told you that back in 2000."' —Jon Stewart

"President George Bush also said Sunday that he wants to lead the world to more peace. More peace — can we take any more of this peace? I mean, it worked so well in the Middle East, let's spread the peace around a little bit." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry said that America needs to be able to trust their president and Hillary Clinton said, 'Tell me about it.'" —Jay Leno

"Former president Bill Clinton won a Grammy in the spoken word category. If you had told me a year ago that Bill Clinton would be a Grammy winner and that Janet Jackson would be the subject of a government sex investigation ..." —Jay Leno

"How many of you saw President Bush with Tim Russert on 'Meet the Press' this Sunday? It was fascinating, he was on for a full hour and during his interview on 'Meet the Press,' President Bush said that Iraq could have 'nucular weapons.' 'Nucular weapons.' Or, even worse, nuclear weapons." —David Letterman

"Dennis Kucinich and Howard Dean remind me of Christina Aguilera's boobs: everyone's just waiting for them to drop-out." —Craig Kilborn

"President Bush is in the hot seat over Iraqi pre-war intelligence. Remember the good ol' days when the only thing the president was trying to cover up was a stain?" —Craig Kilborn

"On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, ''Phhh, you mean like last time?'" —Jay Leno

"There was one kind of embarrassing moment when President Bush was asked by Tim Russert if his commission investigating Iraq was bipartisan. President Bush said, 'A person's sexuality should pay no role in this.'" —Jay Leno

"John Edwards keeps saying there are two Americas. You know, President Bush used to think there were two Americas, but then he stopped drinking." —Jay Leno

"Embarrassing moment last week for Wesley Clark, his motorcade was pulled over by Oklahoma state troopers for speeding. He was speeding, apparently charged with going nowhere fast." —Jay Leno

"Embarrassing moment today for Vice President Dick Cheney — as he went through the White House metal detector this morning, security made him empty his pockets and out fell Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia." —Jay Leno

"Campaign analysts say that Dean has produced the most innovative web site in this year's presidential race. I particularly like today's blog, which consisted of the sentence 'I hate myself,' typed four billion times. In Dean's case, this may be the first instance where the actually entity represented by the web site has crashed more often than the site did." —Dennis Miller

"Richard Gephardt officially endorsed John Kerry on Thursday. Kerry quietly thanked Gephardt and than began feverously working to keep the endorsement from going public. Vowing to give Kerry's campaign all the assets remaining from his organization, Gephardt presented Kerry with three folding chairs and half a pack of fax paper." —Dennis Miller

"In light of the Ricin scare both the House and the Senate are considering banning all unsolicited mail from constituents, so if you want to contact your elected representatives, just wire the money directly into their accounts." —Dennis Miller

"They are having a panel look into the intelligence failures in Iraq. It is a seven person panel and it will include Senator John McCain, but the findings from this panel will not be issued until after the election. President Bush says the commission can go off and report back in a year, you know, the same way it works in the Texas National Guard." —Bill Maher

"The White House is enraged by these suggestions that President Bush was AWOL during Vietnam. However, under an obscure prevision of the Patriot Act actual Vietnam combat veterans will be reclassified as show-offs." —Bill Maher

"It's nine months before the election and Bush's poll numbers have fallen to the exact level that his father's poll numbers were nine months before he lost to Bill Clinton. Today front runner John Kerry said he's not superstitious, but just to be on the safe side, he's going to start f---ing everything that moves." —Bill Maher

"Bush the younger has two things going for him that his father never had. One: an easy charm with regular people and two: the power to make them disappear without a trial." —Bill Maher

"Howard Dean is staking it all now on Wisconsin. He says if he loses there he is out and of course he will lose there. So he is already thinking of resuming his life as a doctor in Vermont, which may not be easy either because if you think people don't want a crazy guy in the White House, you should hear about how they feel about a crazy guy sticking his finger up your ass." —Bill Maher

"It was a disappointing primary season for Lieberman, but on the plus side his campaign was long, quiet and depressing enough to qualify as a Jewish holiday." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"In a new issue of Esquire magazine, they revealed that before he was married to Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry dated Morgan Fairchild, Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg and Dana Delany. Finally a Democratic presidential candidate with good taste in women." —Jay Leno

"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfield said Wednesday that he still believes we will find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. These statements used to make me angry, but now I just feel kinda sad for him. The way I feel when Linus waits for the Great Pumpkin." —Tina Fey