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Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart

10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut from a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.

9. That little tell-tale slice of lemon in the dog's water bowl.

8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen over liquorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.

7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon rose petal and saffron demi-glace with pecan crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint fennel sauce.

6. The unmistakable odor of potpourri follows you even after you've left the bathroom.

5. You discover that every napkin in the house has been folded in the shape of a swan.

4. No matter "where" you eat you discover your place setting always includes an oyster fork.

3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.

2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.

And the number 1 sign you're being stalked by Martha Stewart is. . .

1. You wake up one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

"Convicted felon Martha Stewart met with her probation officer yesterday. She even had to give a urine sample, in which she tested positive for nutmeg." -Jimmy Kimmel 

"Martha Stewart published her recipe for disaster -- mix one part arrogance with two parts incompetence, simmer in the juices and then serve hot in the can." —Jay Leno

"Tough times for Martha Stewart. Yesterday, Martha Stewart reported to her parole officer and had to take a mandatory urine test for cocaine and marijuana. Martha was found to be drug-free and her urine was found to be a lovely yellow saffron." —Conan O'Brien

"Martha Stewart was convicted of four counts of lying and obstruction of justice and could serve up to 20 years in Congress." —Craig Kilborn

"Martha Stewart was found guilty on all charges. You know what that means, stripes are in this year." —Jay Leno

"Earlier today, the jury at the Martha Stewart trial reached a verdict. Martha was found guilty on all charges. In a related story, there's a huge sale at K-Mart." —Conan O'Brien

"This is serious, if Martha gets the maximum sentence on all counts, she could serve 20 years in prison. Of course, you have to take off time off for good behavior, which means 20 years in prison." —Conan O'Brien

"Yes! We finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the public by companies like Enron, Global Crossing, and Tyco we finally got the ring leader. Maybe now we can lower the nation's terror alert to periwinkle." —Jon Stewart

"Martha Stewart showed up at Manhattan FBI Headquarters to have her finger prints taken and pose for a mug shot. Then Martha explained how to get ink off your fingers using seltzer water and lemon juice." —Conan O'Brien

"Federal authorities have informed Martha Stewart's lawyers she will be indicted for her role in the ImClone insider trading scandal. Good news for Martha — stripes are back in this year." —Craig Kilborn

"Earlier today Martha Stewart issued a statement saying 'I am innocent and will fight to clear my name.' Yeah, Martha then said 'I look forward to the day when people stop thinking I am guilty and get back to thinking I am cold and arrogant.'" —Conan O'Brien

"The corporate scandals are getting bigger and bigger. In a speech on Wall Street, President Bush spoke out on corporate responsibility, and he warned executives not to cook the books. Afterwards, Martha Stewart said the correct term was to sauté the books." —Conan O'Brien

"Martha Stewart denied allegations that she had been given inside information to sell 4,000 shares of a stock in a biotech firm about to go under. Stewart then showed her audience how to make a festive, quick-burning yule log out of freshly-shredded financial documents." —Dennis Miller

"In New York the other day, there was a pro-Martha Stewart rally. Only four people showed up ... and three of them were made out of crepe paper!" —Conan O'Brien

"When reached for comment on the charges, Martha didn't say much, (only) that a subpoena should be served with a nice appetizer." —Conan O'Brien

"Martha Stewart had an interesting show this morning – she showed how to make bail. Did you see that?" —Jay Leno

"NBC is making a movie about Martha Stewart that will cover the recent stock scandal. They are thinking of calling it 'The Road To Extradition.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Things are not looking good for Martha Stewart. Her stock was down 23 percent yesterday. Wow, that dropped quicker than Dick Cheney after a double-cheeseburger." —Jay Leno

"I heard this rumor that al Qaeda is merging with Hamas. Yeah, I got that tip from Martha Stewart." —David Letterman

"Tom Ridge announced a new color-coded alarm system. ... Green means everything's okay. Red means we're in extreme danger. And champagne-fuschia means we're being attacked by Martha Stewart." —Conan O'Brien

What is Martha Stewarts favorite new soap opera?
One Life To Shiv!

Yo Martha Stewart so stooopid… she willingly engaged in shameful acts of insider trading, effectively stealing from the backs of other investors not privy to vital, secret company information, and now she’s shaking in her apron, setting sail on the paddle-deficient USS Frigid Crook that’s slowly winding up the fabled fecal syrup creek.

What do you get when you cross Martha Stewart with an octopus?
A gourmet crook with eight tentacles and a hoity-toity TV show and instead of a mouth, a beak that shoots a camouflaging mist of merlot.

How many Martha Stewarts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None! You can’t get at the lights; they’re all bolted to the ceilings in Cell Block C!

Marthat Stewart out.....  1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 |8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 Leaving Martha Stewart Jokes


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