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Top Ten Changes CBS Is Making To The Grammys

10. "Best Country Album" award determined by good old fashioned leg wrasslin."

9. "Only live performance of the evening: A Howard Dean crazed rant."

8. "New category: Song most illegally downloaded."

7. "To encourage people to watch CBS, changing title to "Grammys: CSI."

6. "For safety reasons, earth and wind may perform but fire is prohibited."

5. "Bjork will be even bjorkier!"

4. "To draw fans of the Latin Grammys, all participants will wear sombreros."

3. "Opening number: A musical tribute to the FCC."

2. "Only Jackson permitted at the ceremony is Marlon, who is working backstage as a grip."

1. "If your acceptance speech is over 30 seconds, Puffy starts shooting."

Top Ten Things Never Before Said by a Presidential Candidate

10. "Vote for me or I'll slash your tires"

9. "Forget universal health care -- I'm buying every American an XBox"

8. "In a crisis I ask myself, 'What would Tony Danza do?'?

7. "I'd give you my plan for economic recovery if I wasn't rip stinkin' drunk"

6. "If your last name begins with 'M' through 'Z,' sorry -- your taxes are doubling"

5. "We're gonna cut the deficit by selling North Dakota to Canada"

4. "I have tons of experience from being president of the Burt Reynolds fan club"

3. "Lady, that is one ugly baby"

2. "When I'm president, I'm putting Regis on Mt. Rushmore"

1. "Read my lips: no new wardrobe malfunctions"

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Guy At Starbucks

10. "We ran out of coffee filters, so I'm using one of my old undershirts."

9. "Try our triple cappuccino -- It's a legal alternative to crack."

8. "Let me make sure that's not too hot."

7. "You know, I licked every one of these stirrers."

6. "One Decaf Venti Skim Latte -- 39 dollars."

5. "Sugar with that?"

4. "Grande Caramel Macchaito? Talk English!"

3. "If I catch any of you people going into a Dunkin' Donuts for coffee, I'll break your legs!"

2. "Some whipped cream for you... and some whipped cream for me."

1. "After work, I'm gonna pick up a hooker-uccino."

Top Ten Signs Hillary Clinton Wants To Be Vice President

10. The Washington, D.C. TJ Maxx has sold out of pantsuits.

9. She's practicing sitting around doing nothing.

8. Instead of pretending to be from New York, she's pretending to be from key battleground states Ohio, Florida and Michigan.

7. Bragged to reporters the next "Hillary-Gate" is going to be off the hizzook.

6. Says she wants to be the first female Vice President since Gore.

5. Just purchased a large amount of Halliburton stock.

4. Called Century 21 to ask about listings for undisclosed locations.

3. Well, there's the "Kerry/Clinton" tattoo.

2. Firing up the ol' paper shredder.

1. If it would help she'd have sex with Bill.

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Guy In A Hotel

10. "The desk clerk is nuts, so whatever room number she gives you, add three."

9. "I wrote you a note about halfway through your roll of toilet paper."

8. "Meet me in the whirlpool in twenty minutes."

7. "If you want a bellhop, press '1' on your phone; If you want a hooker, press '2.'"

6. "Ring this bell again, I'll burn your luggage."

5. "Hey, could you go over to the Ramada and swipe us some towels?"

4. "You know, every room has a hair dryer -- How's that for ritzy?"

3. "Are you the bastard that took my gin out of the minibar?"

2. "Wanna see the pictures I took of you sleeping?"

1. "Do you mind sharing your room with a monkey?"

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