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Letterman - Top 10 Dumb Guy Complaints About "The Lord of the Rings"

10. "I expected something, you know, more Hobbity"

9. "'Middle Earth' scenes clearly shot on regular Earth"

8. "It was real long and not a cartoon"

7. "Accidentally put butter on my Twizzlers"

6. "My name is Stu -- how come there aren't any Hobbits named Stu?"

5. "Where the hell is Chewbacca?"

4. "If they're going to have magic, why not bring back the rapping kangaroo?"

3. "Couldn't focus on movie -- kept thinking about how I blew all my money on the Giants"

2. "I kept trying to talk to Frodo, but he ignored me like he's 'all that'"

1. "I haven't seen it yet -- I'm too busy governing California"

Top 10 Questions To Ask Yourself Before Buying Egg Nog

10. "Am I feeling sufficiently noggy today?"

9. "What's the best egg-to-nog ratio?"

8. "I have high cholesterol -- is there egg white nog?"

7. "What other disgusting egg-based beverages could I try?"

6. "Has this egg nog been approved by the Nogmaster General?"

5. "Is egg my best choice of nog?"

4. "Which one's the egg nog that all the rappers drink?"

3. "Do I really feel like drinking this crap?"

2. "What would Martha Stewart drink?"

1. "How long will this stuff keep in my spider hole?"

Top 10 Secrets Learned From Saddam Hussein's Papers

10. "Saddam" is Kurdish for "Duane"

9. Had just acquired a New York City cabdriver's license

8. Surprisingly, dots his "I"s with hearts

7. You won't find a bigger Clay Aiken fan

6. Four of clubs? Gay

5. His "divine plan for world domination" was written on back of Blimpie's coupon

4. Continued to name himself "Iraqi of the Month" right through November

3. Was working on a book of "You Might Be a Dictator If..." jokes

2. Funneled money to ABC to throw Trista and Ryan a fabulous wedding

1. He wrote letters to "Penthouse" under name "Sexy in Spider Hole"

Top 10 Questions Asked By Saddam Hussein When He Was Captured

10. "Be honest...have you ever seen a nicer spider hole than this?"

9. "Who's got a coat hanger -- this beard itches like a son of a bitch!"

8. "Anyone have a mint?"

7. "Is this about the illegal music downloads?"

6. "Am I going to be on 'Cops'?"

5. "Which describes me better right now -- 'haggard' or 'grizzled'?"

4. "How did you get past my impenetrable styrofoam brick?"

3. "Do I get the 25-million-dollar reward?"

2. "How's the war going?"

1. "Will you go easy on me if I tell you where Martha Stewart is hiding?"

Top 10 Things Overheard at Martha Stewart's Thanksgiving Dinner

10. "Martha's carving the turkey with a shiv"

9. "The yams really accentuate your jumpsuit"

8. "Let's give thanks that we live in a country where vast wealth still has a good shot at keeping you out of prison"

7. "Federal agents -- come out -- you're surrounded"

6. "I didn't feel like doing much this year, so everything's from Roy Rogers"

5. "A meal like that is worth a dozen cartons of cigarettes"

4. "I don't know about justice, but you sure obstructed my diet tonight"

3. "I'm totally gonna bid on that couch at the government auction"

2. "Malt liquor -- it's a good thing"

1. "We should do this again in 4 to 6 years"

Top 10 Excuses of the Guy Arrested For Smuggling 750 Pounds of Bologna

10. "I wanted to get my Christmas shopping done early"

9. "Used to smuggle drugs, but now everybody's into the Atkins diet"

8. "It seemed like a good idea when I was drunk"

7. "First I get caught mailing myself in a crate and now this"

6. "Rush Limbaugh has a new addiction"

5. "If I refused, Oscar Mayer was going to kill my family"

4. "I can't bring luncheon meats across the border? What is this, Russia?"

3. "Was just a decoy for the guy smuggling 800 pounds of olive loaf"

2. "How about I give you fifty pounds of bologna to make this whole problem go away?"

1. "It was medical bologna"

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