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Ten Signs You are Addicted to the Internet
-
You kiss your girlfriend's/boyfriend's home page.
- Your
bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
- Your
eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
- You
find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
- You
refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone
lines.
- You
finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem
and a laptop.
- You
spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...
and your child in the overhead compartment.
- All
you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection
to the net: 28.8... ISDN... cable modem... T1... T3...
- And
even your night dreams are in HTML.
- You
find yourself typing "com" after every period when
using a word processor.com.
Top
10 Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
-
Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
- Better
save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- "Accept
this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
- Bo!
Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
- Wait
a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand
me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
- Oh
no! Where's my Rolex.
- Oops!
Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
- There
go the lights again?
- "Ya
know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of
'em."
Top
Ten Things to Describe a Stupid Person
- A
few crumbs short of a crouton.
- A
few clowns short of a circus.
- A
few fries short of a Happy Meal.
- An
experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
- A
few beers short of a six-pack.
- A
few peas short of a casserole.
- The
wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
- One
Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
- One
taco short of a combination plate.
- A
few feathers short of a whole duck
Top 10 Good
Things About Having A Stripper As A News Anchor
10. "Finally, a way to get teens interested in current events."
9. "Easy way of fulfilling the station's FCC nudity requirement."
8. "Top story tonight -- I got a new tattoo."
7. "Impressive to watch her do the news while the sports
guy's throwing dollars at her."
6. "Oh geez, I dunno -- Maybe the fact that she's naked!"
5. "Carrying on the proud tradition started by Edward R.
Murrow."
4. "Fun to hear anchor say, "To hear more on the Iowa
Caucus, meet me in the Champagne Room in 5 minutes."
3. "She covers the five W's of journalism; who, what, when,
where and WOW!"
2. "Studies have found that clothing detracts from viewers'
ability to process news."
1. Viewers intrigued every time she says, "This just in."
Top 10
Questions Received By The Toro Snow Blower Hotline
10. "I'm blowing into it, but it won't snow"
9. "Do you make one for rain?"
8. "Who do I call about reattaching my hand?"
7. "Can you use it to make sno-cones?"
6. "This is Monica Lewinsky, are you looking for a spokesperson?"
5. "Can I use it to make cole slaw?"
4. "Toro? Oh, I'm sorry. I was trying to call Zorro?"
3. "Can I use the snow blower indoors as a fan?"
2. "Where exactly does Bush think he's getting the money to go to
Mars?"
1. "Can I blow myself?"
Top 10 Al Roker
Explanations For Why It's So Cold"
10. "An area of low pressure, which is formed in eastern Canada,
moved quickly southeast... oh, who am I kidding? I have no idea what
I'm talking about"
9. "You didn't hear it from me, but earth has spun out of orbit and
is hurdling away from the sun"
8. "With a Kuchinich Presidency still a slight possibility, hell is
beginning to freeze over"
7. "Who cares about the weather -- "Don't I look great?""
6. "The Gods are angry about that Britney Spears marriage"
5. "Someone must have left the Ed Sullivan Theater doors open"
4. "If I actually knew, don't you think I'd be doing something about
it"
3. "Let's just say it's gonna stay cold 'till I get a raise"
2. "Don't know, but we could figure it out over a warm snuggle by a
roaring fire at my place"
1. "It's January, you pantywaists -- get over it!!"
Top 10 Reasons
George W. Bush Wants To Put A Man On Mars
10. Dick Cheney needs a new undisclosed location
9. It's part of his "No Planet Left Behind" initiative
8. Great deal on the off-season airfare right now at Expedia.com
7. Maybe we'll find some weapons of mass destruction there
6. We've run out of places on Earth to drill for oil
5. Hoping to get Mork's autograph
4. We cannot back down until the people of Mars hold free elections
3. Dude, free Mars bars
2. Why not? It's not like we have an enormous debt or failing
economy
1. Pete Rose bet him we wouldn't do it
Top 10 Signs
Your Car Should Be Recalled
10. "Leaks brake fluid, transmission fluid and blood"
9. "It can only make left turns"
8. "Ambulances follow you around"
7. "It was rated a "Best Buy" by "Faulty Wiring Magazine""
6. "It has the same battery as your watch"
5. "Heater control is marked "Low," "High" and "Sars""
4. "Page 74 of the owners' manual advises: "Car is for display
purposes only""
3. "Blue book value: $38.75"
2. "Seatbelts are made of delicious Taffy"
1. "Dealer promised engine would last as long as your marriage to
Britney Spears"
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