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Letterman - Top Ten Things Governor Schwarzenegger Hears In A Typical Day

10. "When are you going to drop the phony accent?"

9. "Read the Education Budget and then you can have some Strudel."

8. "Why does this place always smell like Baby Oil?"

7. "Are you driving the Hummer to the Earth Day rally?"

6. "Letterman on the phone again -- should I tell him you're still in a meeting?"

5. "The Governor will answer a few questions then show off his abs and delts."

4. "Relax, Governor -- I wasn't sent from the future to kill you."

3. "When shaking hands with assembly members, stop squeezing once you hear a crack."

2. "You gave up a $25 million salary to do this?!"

1. "Governor, please put the desk down."

Top Ten Catch Phrases Ryan Seacrest Rejected Before "Seacrest Out!" presented by Ryan Seacrest

10. "Seabiscuit out!"

9. "Wow, I'm gorgeous!"

8. "Next time bring your sister, you hump."

7. "All hail North Korea's brave leader Kim Jong-Il!"

6. "This is Ryan Seacrest saying, 'Don't let the Asian Bird Flu get you!'"

5. "I'm lactose-intolerant."

4. "Don't have your pets spayed or neutered."

3. "This has been Ryan Seacrest on 'American Idol,' or 'American Top 40,' or 'On-Air with Ryan Seacrest,' or whatever the hell I'm on right now!"

2. "Vote for Kucinich/Seacrest this November."

1. "So long, losers!"

Top Ten Good Things About Being A New York Yankee presented by George Steinbrenner

10. "With the player discount, a hot dog at Yankee Stadium is now only $50"

9. "Your bobble-head doll is a legal form of identification in New York State"

8. "With me there's very little pressure to win"

7. "Hideki Matsui can teach you to sing in Japanese"

6. "After every game, Yogi Berra gives you a complimentary foot massage"

5. "Our spring training facility is near a Hooters"

4. "Take it from the guy signing the checks -- some of the players do OK for themselves"

3. "Pinstripes make your butt look slimmer"

2. "You get to meet all of Derek Jeter's girlfriends"

1. "You think this A-Rod deal is good? We're about to sign TY Cobb"

Top Ten Things I Have Learned Interning At the LATE SHOW
(As presented by the LATE SHOW interns)

10. "Television is a magical dreamland of paying delivery guys and replacing toner cartridges"

9. "Late Show T-shirts are made in a sweatshop under the Ed Sullivan Theater"

8. " hours of work go into writing Dave's so-called 'fan mail'"

7. " differences allow you to distinguish Dave's twin poodles, Chablis and Chardonnay"

6. "Any idiot can become famous if they own a suit and can read a cue card"

5. "New York is a wonderful place to meet hookers"

4. " I'm asked, 'Have you ever wasted four months of your life?' I'll be ready with an answer"

3. "'t go to Dave's barber"

2. " make Dave's coffee, add two scoops of French roast for every cup of Dewar's"

1. "My parents lie and say I intern for Leno"

Top Ten Things I'd Like To Get Off My Chest Now That I'm in the Baseball Hall of Fame
(As presented by Paul Moliter and Dennis Eckersley)

10. "Once after I hit a grand slam I kissed the umpire on the mouth"

9. "In case there's any confusion, when I die, please don't freeze me"

8. "On July 17, 1984, I told the manager I pulled a hamstring and I went to see 'Ghostbusters'"

7. "Thank God I was never a Devil Ray"

6. "I joined a gym so I can continue to shower with men"

5. "Forget all that stuff during contract negotiations -- I was seriously, seriously overpaid"

4. "I traded my 1993 World Series ring for two front row tickets to a Jethro Tull concert"

3. "Once a guy made a joke about the mustache so I beat him to death with a Fungo Bat"

2. "During difficult times in my life I rebroadcast or retransmitted games without the express written consent of Major League Baseball"

1. "Earlier today, I married Britney Spears"

Top Ten Messages on Britney Spears' Answering Machine

10. "This is the printing company. Your wedding announcements are ready"

9. "Hey, it's Christina Aguilera, did you get married or did I?"

8. "It's the printing company. Your annulment announcements are ready"

7. "Rush Limbaugh here. I'd love to try whatever you were taking the other night."

6. "So other than the embarrassing marriage and annulment, how was Vegas?"

5. "Hey, it's Paris. You don't need to get married to get attention. Just have sex on the internet."

4. "This is Kenny from high school. I have a couple of hours free on Thursday if you want to get married and divorced."

3. "Honey, it's Liza. Next time, instead of an annulment, hit him with a bottle."

2. "It's Jessica Simpson. Thanks for making me look like a genius."

1. "Pete Rose here. I bet 10,000 dollars on your marriage lasting a week"

Top Ten Things We Learned From The Mars Rover

10. Contrary to earlier findings, Mars only about a mile from Earth

9. NASA's Mars footage looks suspiciously similar to Atari's Asteroids

8. So far, no sign of Mork

7. Thought I saw Paris Hilton having sex with a Martian

6. We could've taken a photo of Death Valley and saved 400-million dollars

5. The Mars invasion force is already on its way and there's not a damn thing we can do about it

4. It's much more Mars-y than we even imagined

3. Whole "red planet" thing just a marketing ploy by Cherry 7-Up

2. Kucinich's popularity rating on Mars is the same as on Earth

1. Osama ain't there, either

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