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Top Ten Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

  1. It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
  2. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
  3. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
  4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
  5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
  6. No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
  7. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
  8. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
  9. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
  10. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

The top ten signs that someone is using your e-mail account

10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"

9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.

8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.

7. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"

6. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.

5. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.

4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.

3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.

2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.

1. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."

Top Ten Signs You Migh be a redneck...

1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.

2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.

3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.

4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.

5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.

6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.

7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.

8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.

9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.

10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.

Top 10 Reasons I'm Happy To Have Been Born February 29th

10. "My house isn't all cluttered with thoughtful birthday presents"

9. "Between my birthday and the damn groundhog, February's a non-stop party"

8. "Though it's not legal, I pay my taxes once every four years, too"

7. "You think I'd be appearing on national TV if I'd been born February 28th?"

6. "How many people get a car on their fifth birthday?"

5. "We still pay the children's price at the movies"

4. "Lack of birthday cake has kept me relatively thin"

3. "There's nothing good about it -- I just wanted to meet Cosby"

2. "Dumb people think you're supernatural"

1. "I don't know why, but it gets me a lot of tail"

Top 10 Good Things About Winning An Academy Award

10. "I mentioned Budweiser in my acceptance speech and to this day I get a case a year."

9. "I hide a spare house key under my star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame."

8. "Back in my day, I had good luck using the line, 'Wanna polish my Oscar?'"

7. "Dangle it from your rearview mirror and goodbye speeding tickets."

6. "No more of that 'It's just an honor to be nominated' bull."

5. "If you forget to rewind, Blockbuster generally looks the other way."

4. "On camping trips, the Oscar is great for pounding in tent stakes."

3. "A lot of people don't know this, but the head screws off and there's Bourbon inside."

2. "Do you realize Mr. Genius Albert Einstein never won an Academy Award?"

1. "There's a good chance Paris Hilton will make a sex video with you."

Top 10 Things Heard Outside The New Mel Gibson Movie

10. "Hey -- no shoving, Monsignor!"

9. "I don't know why they added subtitles -- everyone speaks Aramaic"

8. "I'm hoping my medium Mountain Dew will miraculously be changed into an extra large Mountain Dew"

7. "These 'Lord of the Ring' films are getting odder and odder"

6. "Was this really based on a book?"

5. "Twelve dollars for a movie ticket? Now that's a sin, am I right, people?"

4. "The Pope loved it almost as much as "Barber Shop 2'"

3. "Uh...I don't feel like dinner right now."

2. "That was awesome when Trump fired Pontius Pilate"

1. "Don't tell me the ending"

Top 10 Signs Bush Is Considering Dumping Cheney

10. Cheney's desk has been replaced by President's new air hockey table.

9. There's a listing on Monster Dot Com for a Vice-Presidential position in a "Large North American Government."

8. Cheney's so depressed he's only eating 12 KFC drumsticks a day.

7. There is a "For Rent" sign on the front lawn of the undisclosed location.

6. When Cheney says, "We're gonna win in November," Bush snarls, "What's this 'We' crap?"

5. White House interns are no longer required to know CPR.

4. The CIA says they have reliable information Cheney won't be dumped.

3. Bush asked Trump if he could come to Washington and fire Cheney.

2. Yesterday a tearful Cheney sang "I Will Survive" on the White House lawn.

1. Bush called Daddy looking for Quayle's number.

Top 10 Good Things About Being Named George W. Bush

10. Read my lips: I never pay taxes

9. I receive courtesy calls whenever Cheney has a heart attack

8. I always get the Presidential Suite at Motel 6 in downtown Cleveland

7. After sex, my wife hums "Hail to the Chief"

6. Whenever I get bored, I call the Texas Department of Corrections and have them execute a guy

5. Last week, I used an improperly addressed Halliburton contribution to buy myself a trampoline

4. I've been cleaning up on Denny's "Presidents Eat Free" promotion

3. Amusing late night phone calls from a drunk Tony Blair

2. People are pleasantly surprised that I'm not an idiot

1. The President offered me ten grand for a copy of my military records

Top 10 Signs You Should Get A Divorce

10. For Valentine's Day he gives you a box of Pop Tarts and says, "If you need me, I'll be at Hooters."

9. The only thing you have in common is your hatred for one another.

8. You ask the guy at Hallmark where the "Controlling Bitch" section is.

7. You keep finding receipts for the guys she's hired to kill you.

6. You still haven't forgiven him for nailing that fat intern when he was a resident.

5. She brings a date to couples counseling.

4. You just married Liza Minnelli.

3. He won't shut up about how great his secretary is in bed.

2. You sleep in separate beds in separate bedrooms in separate houses in separate states.

1. Her pet nickname for you -- "Numb-nuts."

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