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 FUNNY
SHIT
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The Most
Functional Word
Well, it's shit...that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most
functional word in the English language. This may even be funny
shit.
Consider: You can get shit-faced, Be shit out of luck, or Have shit
for brains. With a little effort, you can get your shit together,
find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the
pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit,
forget shit, and tell others to eat shit. Some people know their
shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shinola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, There is
bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling
shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the
fan. You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find
yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days
are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days
are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look
like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have
too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a
lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or
find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything
you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit
and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building
block of the English language. And remember, once you know your
shit, you don't need to know anything else! You could pass this
along, if you give a shit. Or not do so, If you don't give a shit.
Well shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know... that I
do give-a-shit and I hope you have a nice day, without a bunch of
shit. But if you happen to catch a load of shit from some shit head
----Remember, shit happens!
Woman's note to Tech Support:
Last year, I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0, and I
noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall performance, particularly
in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly
under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5. Much to my surprise,
Husband 1.0 contained additional undesirable programs such as NFL
5.0, NHL 4.3, and ESPN 2.0.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply
crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix the
problems, to no avail. What can I do?
Response from Tech Support:
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,
while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try installing Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed,
Husband 1.0 should automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0
and Flowers 3.5.
Remember, overuse of the above applications can cause a default to
Grumpy Silence 2.5.
CAUTION: DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another
Boyfriend program. These are not supported.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve performance - I personally
recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good luck.
True Doctor Stories
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby
in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's --Dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I
noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong
one.
--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. Big breaths,
"I instructed. Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the
patient.
--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that
he had died of a "massive internal fart."
--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity
test. I
placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your
right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now
your left." Again, a flawless read. Now both," I requested. There
was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I
turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he
was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too
hard to finish the exam.
--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. The patch. The
nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm
running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty
patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old
patch before applying a new one.
--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion
she answered ...Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband
was alive."
--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So, how's your
breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for the Kentucky
Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
labeled "KY Jelly."
--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
And Finally . . . .
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed
performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly
burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from
his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish
I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
-- name withheld.
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