A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service,
his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that
he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy,"
the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like
the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"
Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a "marriage
of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners. So, the first
morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in
bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however.
She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached?
I wanted scrambled!" Undaunted, the next morning, John brought
his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do
you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"
Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, "third
time's a charm" and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled
and one poached."Here, my love, enjoy!" Jill looks at
the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg."
One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon
after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost
immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get the
owner's manual!" her husband shouted. "I can't find
it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box. "Oops!"
came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine,
but the owner's manual is burnt to a crisp."
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change
me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until
all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy
the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest
in the stock market," said the man. "Sounds like you
may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked
his friend. "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she
just isn't good enough for me."
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their
decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding
and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.
Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'
Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '
Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'
Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes
for Parkinson's disease?'
Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'
Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for
our wedding gifts, please.'
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona
cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle,
horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the "good
old days. "Eventually the conversation moved on to their
spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked,
"Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth
wedding anniversary soon?" "Yup, we sure are,"
Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to
celebrate?" another man asked. The old gentleman pondered
this for a moment, then replied, "For our twenty-fifth anniversary,
I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there
and get her."
A couple was getting married, and it was only three days before
the wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. "Mom,"
she says, "I just found out that my fiance's mother has bought
the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding." The
bride's mother thinks for a minute. "Don't worry," she
tells her daughter. "I'll just go and buy another dress to
wear to the ceremony." "But mother," says the bride,
"that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It's
such a waste not to use it." "Who said I won't use it?"
her mother asked. "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner."
After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents, her
father invited the young man into his study to find out more about
him. "What are your plans?" he asked Joseph. "I'm
a scholar of the Torah," Joseph replied. "Well, that's
admirable," Leslie's father replied. "But what will
you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?" "I
will study, and God will surely provide for us," Joseph explained.
"And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?" "I
will study hard, and God will provide for us." "And
children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancÚ.
The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Joseph
and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what he found
out. The father answered, "Well, he has no job and no plans,
but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor
with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll
change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed
to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,'
I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out." He passed
the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day
of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor
looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise
to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish,
serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear
eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever
even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice,
"Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I
thought we had a deal." The pastor put a $100 bill into the
groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood
of 11 children and was blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked
the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies,
"Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first
one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating
it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits
of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what
is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your
wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage
is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness,
forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other
qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive,
and bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping
the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding
photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after
another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the
entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception,
etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think
so," she said. "That was when mommy came to work for
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding
ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band,
she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked
the elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have
to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile,
the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding
ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."
My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine,
good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric
bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no
place to sit down!", so I bought her an electric chair.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in
the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost
weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"