Our women jokes supply is plentiful. It just wasn't that
hard to come up with tons of jokes about women. Did we miss a joke
to do with women that maybe you have? Submit
it to us and we'll add it to our women jokes category!
sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window
with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on
the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in
back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into
the slot provided.
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver
waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance
back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman was so curious that she respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like
funeral is it?"
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
a woman found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone
lines telling everyone the good news. One day later that week,
she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping. A woman asked
the boy if he was excited about the baby. "Yes", he
said. "I know what we're going to name it. If it is a girl,
we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call
efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You
don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody
from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for
years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the
refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item
at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying
several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the
audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take
her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping,
all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end
up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him
around, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy
bears. Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the
floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge
bears are on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of
surprised by the collection, especially because it’s so extensive, but
he decides not to mention this to her. She turns to him…they kiss…then
they rip each other’s clothes off and romp around the room all night.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in
the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how’d I
do?” The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”
woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day,
when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by
him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been
with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to
support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot,
you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know
what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to
fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck."
went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors,
but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out
screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked
what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax
in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and
demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she
has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she
was pregnant?" The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write
on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
his divorce Mr. Jones realized that poker isn't the only game that
starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss.
two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
A: So what's your question?
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain that I'll feel during
labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and
act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.
Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?
A. You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Q. Why do men break wind more than women?
A. Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
Q. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take
your house and car with them.
Q. Why do women have breasts?
A. So men will talk to them.
Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can't stand to see a man have a good time.
Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A women who won't do what she's told.
do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast
A. A whine and cheese party
is it called PMS?
A. Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I
sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have you
been doing for it. the woman replied, snorting pepper.
is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned
that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes
to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the
back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the
woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog.” "Well, this
frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs." The woman is
stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because
she is not particularly fond of gorfing cock, she decides the frog
might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home,
presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The
husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that
night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered
by her husband that night. She is suddenly awakened by a clatter
coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and
her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks. "What
are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I
can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"
an old woman walked into a shop and got some dog food, she went to pay
for it and the cashier said you can't buy that dog food we need
evidence that you have a dog, so she bought in her dog and she got the
dog food. The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and
the cashier said you can't have that cat food we need evidence that
you have a cat, so she went home and got her cat and she got the cat
food. Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box, she
told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did. She said it felt
warm and soft, the little old lady then said now you're satisfied can
I have some toilet paper please!
happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.