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WOMENS JOKES

"The good wife's guide" This is an actual article from the Housekeeping Monthly Magazine 13 May 1955

       Have dinner ready.  Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return.  This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.  Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

       Prepare yourself.  Take 15 minutes to rest so youll be refreshed when he arrives.  Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking.  He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

       Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him.  His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

       Clear away the clutter.  Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

       Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then tables.

       Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by.  Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.  After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

       Prepare the childrens.  Take a few minutes to wash the childrens hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes.  They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.  Minimize all noise.  At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, or vacuum.  Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

       Be happy to see him.

       Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

       Listen to him.  You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time.  Let him talk first-remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

       Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you.  Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

       Your goal: to make sure your home is a place of peace, order, and tranquility where your husband can renew himself.

       Dont greet him with complaints and problems.

       Dont complain if hes late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night.  Count this as a minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

       Make him comfortable.  Have him lean back in a chair or have him lie down in the bedroom.  Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

       Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes.  Speak in low, soothing and pleasant voice.

       Dont ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity.  Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.  You have no right to question him.

      A good wife always knows her place.


What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man? Answer: "Lazy."


Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."


What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A whine and cheese party.


Why is it called PMS? -- Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.


A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it. the woman replied, snorting pepper.


To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog. "Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."

The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night.

The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night. She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks." What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"


8 things you'll never hear a woman say...

8. What do you mean today's our anniversary?

7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.

6. Ohh, this diamond is way to big!

5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'

4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.

2. I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a designer dress.

1. Hey, pull my finger!

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