Our lawyer jokes look at our all time detested citizen, the
lawyer. Did we miss a joke to do with lawyers and legal stuff that
maybe you have? Submit it to us and we'll
add it to our popular lawyer related jokes category!
know you need a Different Lawyer when ......
* You met him in prison.
During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each
He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
He tells you that he's never told a lie.
He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
A prison guard is shaving your head.
What happens when
you give Viagra to lawyers?
They grow taller!
were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by. One
attorney turns to his associate and comments "Boy, I would like to
fuck her! The other attorney thinks for a second and said "Out of
One day, there
was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to
show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen
wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with
him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no
matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the
same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling.
"MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he
exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I
am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.
"HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is
your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is
missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and
exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what
he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real
estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire
insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied,
"Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river
overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The
lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"
Two small boys, not
yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one
day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy,"
replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do
for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
A lawyer is
standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair
of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns
around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a
chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in
line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in
front of me, do you?"
finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's
so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a
choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist
brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15
an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an
ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the
lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you
know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"
old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept
receiving calls asking to speak with him. "I'm sorry, he's dead,"
was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the
calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked
who it was and why he kept calling. The reply: "I used to be one of
his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it."
driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw
a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit
him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto
(at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker
could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the
trail of slime they left!)
One day, as
the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He
thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The
happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver
continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and
instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there
was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved
back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was
certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not
understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors
and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said,
"I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"