A local United Way office realized that the organization had never
received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The
person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to
research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000,
you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back
to the community in some way?"
lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First,
did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long
illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual
the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran,
is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was
that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the
lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless
with three children?!"
humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I
had no idea..."
a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't
give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
An attractive woman found herself
alone in the elevator with a lawyer. "I could push this red
button, get down on my knees and give you the best blow job of
your life," she purred. He thought a minute and said, "I'm
sure you could - but what's in it for me?"
A lawyer finds out
he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large,
they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of
available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10
an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a
jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The
outraged lawyer says, "This is a rip-off - how come the lawyer
brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know
how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"
The crusty old
managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving
calls asking to speak with him. "I'm sorry, he's dead," was the
standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls
began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it
was and why he kept calling. The reply: "I used to be one of his
junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it."
A new female
associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room at her new
firm, to her surprise and delight. When asked by her best friend to
identify the new lover, she was puzzled: "All I know for sure is
that it was a partner - he made me do all the work."
presented his customer, a lawyer, with a bill charging rates of $500
an hour. The lawyer was outraged, saying "I don't even make that
kind of money - doesn't that seem a bit steep?" The plumber replied,
"That's what I thought, when I was a lawyer."
Any time a lawyer
is seen and not heard, it's a shame to wake him.
Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the
Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.
A lawyer's job is secure - who would build a robot to do nothing?
There's a true
story about a convicted con man who was recently found to be
impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which the judge
remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always
so punctual and polite."
Children who never
come when called will grow up to be doctors. Children who come
before they are called will grow up to be lawyers.
in deepest Africa, finds a cannibal restaurant. The specialty of the
day is brains - fried doctor brains for twenty bucks, sautéed
architect brains for twenty-five bucks, and roasted attorney brains
for two hundred bucks. Livingston, perplexed, asks the waiter why
the attorney brains are so costly. The waiter snorts, "Do you know
what a job it is to clean those suckers?"
A Mexican bandit
made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and
robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his
capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite
cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the
bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid
the loot or I'll blow your brains out!"
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak
Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and
translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out,
in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare
An attorney telephoned
the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him
regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed
to wake up the governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and
I want to take his place."
Replied the governor "Well, its OK with me if its OK with
Q: You're stranded
in a deserted island with Attila the Hun, Adolf Hitler, and a
lawyer. You have a revolver with two bullets. What do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice!