|
 FUNNY
LAWYER JOKES
|
At a convention of
biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you
know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our
experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more
plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them,
and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However,
sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human
beings."
A certain lawyer
was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he
retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer
would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch
line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be
in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he
invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager
to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid
time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went
out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around
the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous
quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well,
the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His
friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and
swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into
town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.
The sheriff grabbed
his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure
enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried
the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his
friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled
his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "Whatdya do that
for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly,"
replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you
that the Czech was in the Male?"
The lawyer is
standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1.Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew
they were guilty.
2.Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
Overcharging fees to many clients.
3.Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a
controversial case.
And the list goes
on for quite awhile....
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these
things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."
St. Peter looks in his book and says," Yes, I see. Once you gave a
dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the
shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and
replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says,
"Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."
A Russian, a Cuban,
an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle
of the Best Vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks
it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere
in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in the
Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it
away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the
bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havana's, takes one of them, lights it and
begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the
world: Havana, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good
cigar and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them
away...".
Saying that, he throws the pack of Havana's thru the window. One
more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and
throws the Lawyer through it...
A lawyer's dog,
running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a
roast. The Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog
running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a
right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The
lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was
loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word,
writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash --
it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's
credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office]. Several periods of
time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic
-- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer:
$20 due for a consultation.
|
