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A rabbit one day managed to break
free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.
As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt
grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the
first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought.
It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing
under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits,
all free, having fun and nibbling at the lush grass.
Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and
I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped
over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good,
unlike his tasteless food he grew up with. "What else do
you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of
them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing
in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist
and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots.
They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else
do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it.
We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and
he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything
else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came
a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other
thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said,
pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls.
We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the
rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely
knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was
fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with
us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great
time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a
bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back
to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."
Deep within a forest, a little
turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached
the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed
to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again,
jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again,
while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear,"
she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
The class assignment in composition
was to write about something unusual that happened during the
past week. Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in
the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens,"
shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?"
"He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling
for help yesterday."
A man went to his doctor seeking
help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite
familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual
and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go
to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick
it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and
place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't
tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare
smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."
"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks
later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation
didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most
addictive of cases, such as yours is!" "Well, it kind
of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction,"
said the patient. "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to
sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."
A man in a bar sees a friend at
a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments,
"You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother
died in June, and left me $10,000." said the friend. "Gee,
that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the
friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."
The man looking concerned says, "Wow. Two parents gone in
two months. No wonder you're depressed." The friend continues,
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!"
"Then this month,..." continued, the friend, "Nothing!
Not a single dime!"
A woman walks up to an old man
sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice
how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for
a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink
a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise,"
he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How
old are you?" "Twenty-six."
One day, a man walks into a dentist's
office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
"Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous
amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an
aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." Looking annoyed
the man says, "That's still too expensive!" "Okay,"
says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip
the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down
to $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still
too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching
his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I
can knock the price down to $10." "Marvelous,"
says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"
One afternoon, a man was riding
in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass
by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out
to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked
one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor
man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." the man
from the limousine said excitedly. "But sir, I have a wife
with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come
with us too!" he said to the other man. "But sir, I
have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!" So, they all climbed into the
car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the
limousine. One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude, "Sir,
you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied, "No, thank you... the grass at my place
is about three feet tall and I could use the help!"
A blind man was traveling in his
private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his
way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind
guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help!
Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?"
The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is
dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back
and asked, "How do you know
you're upside down?" "Because the shit is running down
Three men were sitting naked in
a sauna. Suddenly there was a ring tone and the first man pressed
his wrist and put it up to his ear, speaking into it. The others
looked bemused until he explained that it was the latest cell
phone that was so tiny it could be implanted under the skin. Time
passed and the second man suddenly pressed his ear lobe and listened
intently. He looked around and explained that he was checking
his voicemail. The third man was a little put out that he had
no gadgets himself so he thought for a moment, then went out of
the room. He returned moments later with a piece of toilet paper
hanging out of his bottom. He looked around and "Oh look,
I've got a fax coming through"!
Q. Define "Egghead:"
A. What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
Q. How can you tell if you have acne?
A. If the blind can read your face.