at the Senior Center
was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude
was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the
famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the
meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite
two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend
to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep
your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's
been in my family for six generations."
began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
said the Hypnotist.
took three days to clean up the senior center
the dim and distant past
When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.
the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.
But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.
checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker.
police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street,
stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and
instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.
They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets
in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets
they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say
as she stroked the officers arm is "Your Passionate"
They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response
as she stroked his arm "Your Passionate". The officers
were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to
the woman, Look we have driven around this City for two hours
and you still haven't told us where you live. She replied I keep
trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!"
ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties
ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance
ACCOUNTS never die, they are deleted
ACTORS never die, they just drop a part
ALCAHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS never die, they just get wasted
ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become history
ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver
ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures
ASSETS never die, they just depreciate
ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another world
ATOMS never die, they just decay
BANKERS never die, they just lose interest
BANKERS never die, they just want to be a loan
BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go batty
BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just run their last lap
old blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When
he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around. Upset by this,
the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing. The
blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."
old man went to the social security office to sign up.
He had stood in the line for a very long time until it was finally
his turn. The lady behind the counter ask him for identification.
He went to get his wallet out of his back pocket and relized he
had left it at home. The lady told him that was alright he could
just show her his chest hairs and if they were grey she knew he
was old enough for social security.
everything was done there he went home and told his wife how his
day went. He told her that he had forgotten his wallet at home
and the lady at the social security office just ask him to pull
down the front of his shirt and she could tell he was old enough.
listening to his story his wife told him if he had dropped his
pants he probably could have gotten disability too.
elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they
decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember
things by association.
few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with
his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.
ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that
flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those
prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"
rose?" asked the neighbor.
that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his
house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor
we took the memory class from?"
old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is
an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A
few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got
a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his
breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
" No," he replied, "arthritis.