The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer
an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered
for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a
straight line between any two parts of his body.
officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first
officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of
his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and
walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to
be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.
He walked out with $96,000.
third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would
like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to
was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers
had received But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go
along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical
medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop
'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure
on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.
Man!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
old Chief calmly replied... "Vietnam."
is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian
authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio
conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
south to avoid a collision.
This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR
No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship
in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three
Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND
that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's
one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken
to ensure the safety of this ship.
This is a lighthouse. Your call.
of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson,
S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone
had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them,
"There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up!
Get up!" Checking to see that he had everyone's attention,
he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement
of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut
up, Drill Sergeant!"
the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son
announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's
office. There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter,
as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle
this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered
one. "You didn't really do that, did you?" "You
would never get through basic training," scoffed another.
The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just
gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do
you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"
drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he
was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess
when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet
replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that
when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"
a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard
Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail
capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels
are deployed for up to six months. One day while shopping at the
base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job. I
was behind a frazzled mother with two active children, and as
I watched, she stalked over to where her young son had perched
himself on the rail of the freezer case. "If you don't get
off there right now," she commanded, "I'm going to e-mail
is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion
Of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster
and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor
a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you
going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing,
archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised
on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper
rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but
you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new
recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI
insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman
Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance
to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about
this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to
Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance
to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance
and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000
to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you
go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay
a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group
do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian
aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower
in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft
asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who
is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference
does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of
difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy
aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand
is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine
Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
cavalryman was galloping down the road, rushing to catch up with
his regiment. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the
ground. Lying in the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of the
approaching enemy, the soldier called out: "All you saints
in heaven, help me get up on my horse!" Then, with superhuman
effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other
side. Once again on the ground, he called to the heavens: "All
right, just half of you this time!"
reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves
is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, Take
the simple phrase "secure the building".
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
trio of old veterans were bragging and jokes about the heroic
exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.
"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly,
"was a drummer boy at Shiloh." "Mine," boasts
another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big
Horn." "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed
vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living
today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really?
What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment,
and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for
a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a
salute, and snapped out, "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!" The
General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said
"Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?" Well it
wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree
with the General, so the he saluted again and replied, "Sir,
Yes Sir!" The General continued, "You know there's something
about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing.
Don't you agree?" The Private didn't agree, but then the
private was just a private, and responded, "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever,
the best type of dog to train." The Private glanced at the
dog, saluted yet again, and said, "Sir, Yes Sir!" The
General continued "I got this dog for my wife." The
Private simply said, "Good trade, Sir!"
practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise,
a Huey Cobra messes up and lands on its tail rotor.
The landing is so hard it breaks off the tail boom. However, the
chopper fortunately remains upright on its skids, sliding down
the runway, doing 360s. As the Cobra slides past the tower, trailing
a brilliant shower of sparks, this radio exchange takes place:
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?" Cobra: "I
don't know, Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."
general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier
would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's
not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time,
until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically
tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged,
and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked
it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one
of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as
they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are
all out of step except you?" "What?" asked the
recruit innocently. "I said -- they are all out of step except
you!" thundered the sergeant. The recruit replied, "Well,
sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!"
Baldwin had barely arrived in the forward area when a sniper's
bullet removed a button from his shirt. He threw himself to the
ground in terror. The men stood around with the greatest unconcern.
The general yelled at a passing sergeant. "Hey, isn't somebody
going to kill that damned sniper?" The sergeant looked down
at the general and replied:
"I guess not, general. We're scared that if we kill him the
enemy will replace him with somebody who really knows how to shoot."