 FOOD
JOKES
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Food
quotes
"Artichokes
... are just plain annoying ... After all the trouble you go to,
you get about as much actual 'food' out of eating an artichoke
as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have
the shrimp cocktail instead." -- Miss Piggy
"The
most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she
served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has
never been found." --Sam Levinson
"This
recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it
doesn't say how far to separate them." -- Gracie Allen
"I've
been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a
total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from
a charm bracelet." -- Erma Bombeck
"I
told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave
me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster." -- Joe E.
Lewis
"I
will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded
-- dead." -- Woody Allen
"Food
is an important part of a balanced diet." -- Fran Lebowitz
"Health
food makes me sick." -- Calvin Trillin
"Watermelon
-- it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
-- Enrico Caruso
"Old
people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives
they can get." -- Robert Orben
About
85% of women are responsible for cooking the family dinner, and
84% wish they didn't have to.
A
friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant,
waiting to place our order.
There
was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be
accepted."
The
woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe
me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
How
to Annoy Your Waiter:
10.
Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9.
Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really
bad actor?"
8.
After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"
7.
Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".
6.
Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
5.
Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London
broil.
4.
Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge
Superman for dinner, would you?"
3.
Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2.
As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in
the chowder!"
1.
Three words: eat the check.
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