Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
ACTION: Cover mouth.
Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery
presidents decided to go out for a beer.
guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like
the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off
a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world,
give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender
gives him one.
guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky
Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't
you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies,
"Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither
A drunk walks
into a bar and notices a banner that says "win $10,000; ask
bartender for details".
He asks and the bartender says "well, you see that man at
the end of the bar?". The drunk looks over and sees a huge,
burley dude. The bartender says "if you can knock him out
with one punch, you go to the second step...
The door right behind that big guy opens into a room containing
an alligator with a sore tooth. If you can pull his tooth and
come out alive, you move on to step three...
Those stairs next to the door go up to an eighty year old hooker's
apartment. She has never been satisfied by any man. If you can
satisfy her, you win the money!"
The drunk says
ok and orders a double shot of whiskey. He belts that down, walks to
the end of the bar and POW!, knocks the big dude out. He orders
another double, belts it down, walks to the door, steps inside and
closes the door. BAM, CRASH, GROWL is all the bartender and patrons
can hear for a few minutes and then total silence. Five minutes later,
the drunk walks out of the room bloody, clothes shredded. He orders
another double, drinks it and says "o.k., where's the hooker with the
man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was
out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was
down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he
decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly
saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way
they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up
further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation
hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up
to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a
long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I
don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the
overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving
that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks
about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off
with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice
weekend," said the officer.
police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into
this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If
I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If
I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white
"I can't do that, officer."
"Because I'm drunk."
drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the
accelerator!" he cried out.
the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time
with the same voice came over the line.
"Never mind," he
said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
Three guys were talking in the local bar.
The manager was so sure that its bouncer was the strongest man around
that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.
challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the
juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer.
Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win
the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters,
karate masters, and all had failed. Then one day this geeky little
fella with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the bar and asked if
he could try the challenge.
the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that
the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and
started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the
little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the
Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize
and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such
strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?" "No" the man
replied, "I work for the IRS."
A man walks into a bar and says to the
bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye." The
bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone do that!" So the
man takes out his glass eye and bites it.
angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks
away. He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you
fifty dollars I can bite my left eye." Now the bartender
becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk
in here -- you can't be blind!" So he takes out his fake
teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money
and he walks away.
One night a man decides to visit
his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing
off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, "Betcha
$20 I can bite my eye." The bartender scoffs and accepts.
The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender
grudgingly forks over a twenty.
Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back
to the bar and says rather drunkenly, "Hey barkeep, betcha
another $20 I can bite my other eye."
Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the
man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly
removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the
bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders
around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.
He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls
the bartender, "Hey, barkeep," he burbles, "I'll
give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you
put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end,
I could piss into it and not spill a drop."
The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible.
The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly
pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100
on the bar and laughs uproarously.
"What's so funny?" says the barkeep. "You just
lost everything you won and more!"
Well," giggles the man, "I just bet those guys over
there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn't