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I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.
A man goes to
his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced by a
super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and the man says he
has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it.
After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer decides he has
The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he
asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from
his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm.
He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample.
He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes
its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his
wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if
he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow.
driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer.
As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says,
"COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind
of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver
explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the
computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says,
"OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of
glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve
kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too
long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and
blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.
The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season
because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and
heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and
the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all
over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming,
snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of
engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them
wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened
in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing
several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up
and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in
"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"
terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail
I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues.
If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
Then go : illogical statement with your whole family.
Because the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues.
On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues!
Adventures in Heaven
Ever wondered what heaven looks like ?
Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When
he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.
Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were
literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with
nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the
backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their
way through the crowd. Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until,
finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young
man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue
T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow
"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the
voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel
and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a
question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel
Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a
car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first,
unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first."
"Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on
his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works. "What's
going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's
Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?"
Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then
Gabriel looked up in surprise. "It says here that you were the
president of a large software company. Is that right?"
"Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter business
started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every
day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now
there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to
'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large
a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a
quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all
personally?" "I guess not."
"You guess right."
So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team
Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and
sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions."
Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued.
"Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like
yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."
"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on
your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to
pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had
Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed
it to Bill. "Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with
your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham." Bill started to
ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not *that*
Abraham." Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came
to induction center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour
"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing
infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing
everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries."
"I had to wait *three* weeks," said Bill. Abraham stared at Bill
angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven,
it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat. "Well," Bill offered, "maybe
that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up."
Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to
supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the
largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers
connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a
back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel.
Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works."
Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This
is really Heaven!"
"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations
soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"
Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data
processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times
bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place,
getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the
center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers,
arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million ....
.... Macintoshes ....
.... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte
of Microsoft code!
The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he
had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill.
"What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about
Excel??? What about Word???"
"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.
"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.
"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's
heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based
on PCs running Windows, then ....
.... GO TO HELL!"
There was a
pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of
very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport
through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments
went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an
hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers
are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears
and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth
floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and
shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office
worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window,
executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind
landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane
stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies
the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The
answer he gave me was 100 percent correct, but absolutely useless,
therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the
airport is just a while away."
TESTER DIES TRAGICALLY AT HANDS OF "PAL"
REDMOND, Wa - The Microsoft Redmond Campus was rocked by tragedy today
as Paul Fitzgerald, Test Engineer on the Windows NT Team, was brutally
murdered in an apparently psychotic tirade by one of the
"personalities" of Microsoft's latest operating system shell program,
Bob. In the small hours of this morning, Java, the "friendly"
coffee-drinking dinosaur, burst from the screen of Fitzgerald's
computer, cutting a swath of destruction throughout the hapless
worker's office and into the accompanying hallway.
The beast was quickly subdued by Microsoft Campus Security upon
failing to produce a valid Microsoft keycard, avoiding what could
otherwise have been a tragedy of much greater proportions. He is
currently undergoing psychiatric evaluation at the Washington
Institute for Perfectly Valid Lifeforms Who in the Heat of the Moment
Do Some Absolutely Naughty Things. Says Lars Opstad, chief spiritual
healer and concert pianist, "It's touch and go right now. I don't
think Java yet realizes the immensity of what he's done."
`Eyewitnesses say that they could hear the stegosaur-like computer
guide screaming "All I wanted was a GOOD espresso" in those terrible
moments before dawn. Said Rover Retriever, another Bob personality,
"This is just terrible. Java was always such a great guy. Sure, he was
a little high strung, but I can't believe he would do something like
this. I think we need to seriously re-examine the stress that the Bob
Personality group is under so that another such incident doesn't
A possible precipitant to the incident could be Java's recent attempt
to quit smoking as a result of a clause in his contract. Lawyers are
examining whether this constitutes a violation of discriminatory
hiring statutes on Microsoft's part. Microsoft Legal could not be
reached for comment, but an undisclosed source asserted "We couldn't
have him puffing away like that. He's a dinosaur, not a dragon. It
would confuse the market."
Coroner's reports say Fitzgerald died instantly of cardiac arrest, but
are unclear on whether this was a result of the vicious attack or the
fact that Bob installed successfully on NT.