 CLEAN
FUNNY JOKES
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Test your IQ
with the question below:
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the
action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to
the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man
who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express
himself?
Think about it
first before scrolling down for the answer...answer is at the bottom
of the page........
Top 45 Oxymoron's:
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works
So of course it's
difficult to learn the English language.......and
learning to spell can be pure guess work.......
a. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
b. A backward poet writes inverse.
c. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
d. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
e. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
f. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
g. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
h. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
i. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
j. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
k. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
l. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
m. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
n. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
o. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
p. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
q. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
r. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it
off.
s. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
t. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
u. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
v. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
w. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
x. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
y. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
z. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
aa. Every calendar's days are numbered.
ab. A lot of money is tainted - 'taint yours and 'taint mine.
ac. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
ad. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
ae. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
af. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small
medium
at large.
ag. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.
ah. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
ai. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
aj. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
ak. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Letter of Recommendation -
While working with Mr. Xxxxxx, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He is always
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Xxxxxx should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to management be
sent away as soon as possible.
Branch Manager
A second note following the report:
Mr. X was
present when I was writing the report mailed to you
today. Kindly read only the alternate lines 1, 3, 5, 7, 9,.......
for my true assessment of him.
Regards,
Branch Manager
Only In America
1. Only in America......can a pizza
get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there
handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores
make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people
order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave
both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave
cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless
junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use
answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we
won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the
first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot
dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America.....do we use the
word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and
'tics' meaning bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have
drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
11.
Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran
live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White
House.
I.Q. Test Answer......
He just has to
open his mouth and ask, so simple.
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